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I've been back home for two days. I stayed near the hospital for a few but there's really no comfort like home. 1 week post-op will be tomorrow. Now I get to work on my leave paperwork with this shitty 3rd party company we pay to manage work leave, hooray.

i had my two-month follow up about my brain pills (atomoxetine). they’re working, i think! most of the bad side effects are gone. my provider okayed me for a 90-day supply, and then we’ll check in again. yay for medications that work, and i’m glad i stuck it out for the first few rough weeks.

chuck (foster dog) was supposed to have his stitches out last wednesday, but they weren’t quite ready, so we go back again this wednesday. on thursday he’s coming to the office with me in the morning, then going to his potential adopter’s home for a visit. fingers crossed it goes well! he deserves a good, loving home.

cone of shame tax:

My daughter is 6 weeks old today so I'm a happy papa.

I JUST learned what "self care" actually is. So, I have ADHD and anxiety and probably depression, so I have had medications for all three. Notably my anxiety medication almost immediately removed my social anxiety, etc. But I still felt listless, not knowing what to do with myself, letting my apartment get unacceptably dirty. I get a new therapist and he's got a specialization in "Men's Issues", right? And so he listens to my plight and he says "you care about everyone else, why not focus on doing things for yourself?" He specifies that it's not selfish to do things for yourself, and WOW. I look at my desk, I'm unsatisfied? Cleaned, wiped away. Dirty dishes? Get em outta of the sink and onto the drying rack? Making my bed because I think it looks nicer. I'm amplifying my dissatisfaction into action. It's awesome.

And the best part? He's using Men's Issues techniques and he NEVER mentions it as self care. He knows I'm a smart guy, and (stereotypical) guys don't like these "mental health" buzzwords peppering women's magazines. He simply says: "Do things for yourself because YOU want them." THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY WITH MEDICATIONS! You can't use your newly modified brain perfectly, you need help. And the right therapist can change everything.

I've been using Kiss My Face olive oil bar soap for showers for like...a decade, but switched to Dr. Bronners bar soap this week cause Kiss My Face was out of stock. My partner's been using Dr. Bronners liquid soap for years, but I never got on board just cause I prefer bar soap.

Long story short, I think the change will be permanent. The bar soap on its own somehow smells like a grandparent's basement, but it seems suspiciously effective.

So far so good! I completed my training to be a poll worker for the election in November, which I’m excited about! Also going on a quick vacation this weekend, which should be fun!

I have a migraine 😞 cut down from 3-5 cokes every day to 1. I just had today's one to hopefully that helps the migraine.

I'm learning an esoteric computer build system that is wreaking havoc on my ADHD laden brain. It's a huge undertaking with a steep learning curve. With it I'll be able to create ephemeral services for web and play. It's going to be grand, but taking 10x times more than your average bear to learn something is tiresome.

But I'll get there. I'll hopefully see the fruits of my labour soon.

Also, I have to prepare a set for a musical performance. So busy, busy, busy.

Yesterday I met someone who served on the USS Indianapolis at a craft fair in our town and got to hear stories about some of the people he sailed with and his fortunate transfer to a rescue tug when they made port at Pearl Harbor. It's always an incredible experience to hear historical accounts from primary sources, and it felt good to be a welcoming listener to someone who, by their own account, doesn't get out or socialize much anymore.

It’s been going. I think my nervous system is finally getting used to the absence of the one person who’s been here for half of my life. I’m trying to shift my outlook on life and trying to convince myself that I can pull this off on my own. I think there’s been a bit of progress because not every breath feels like torture and I’m no longer thinking of doing anything stupid. There’s a life ahead and I can sort of see it now. It may even be good :)

I screwed up this weekend and didnt get the culmination of Relaxing Time that I had wanted. I'd built and set up a new computer and downloaded the games I wanted to play - and then didn't get to play any. And now it's monday, and I'm hurt over it, and I'm avoiding things.

Just got back home this afternoon after a 4-day trip to what might potentially be my next home. I've had a tentative job offer on the table for the last 4 months, but some of the processing and checks just takes forever. I should know definitively in like 2 months. While I'm waiting, figured it'd make sense to start exploring housing options. Plus I wanted a little vacation.

The trip was a success; found a few places that would be within my budget that I could see myself living at. All walkable, too (though I'll still have my car). And hung out with a friend.

It was strange driving home from the airport today, passing up downtown and driving through the neighborhoods to my apartment. That I may finally leave this place that I grew up in, that I've spent most of my adult life in (I've moved away before, only to be forced to come back after a couple years...thanks Great Recession). It's time though. Of my family, I'm literally the last one still here. And I don't have other relatives here. So might as well go. Plus I'll make a helluva lot more money. Hope it all works out.

High highs, low lows so far. Monday morning an adorable kitten wandered into my mechanic shop and applied for a job. He's official pest control manager now unless I find where he came from. He doesn't know a litter box or the sound of a cat food can opening so it's probably a stray/feral. But it's one of the most affectionate cats I've come across in a long time.

Tuesday leaving work after a meeting/pets with the new employee, I made it about 2 blocks and someone ran a stop sign and hit me. I'm ok, they are apparently ok (I stayed far back to keep it civil) but my poor 30 year old truck took a pretty hard hit. It's nothing special to anyone else; but I like it, and have put a lot of blood, sweat, and time into it. Hoping it's not as bad as it looks.

Anyways, here's the cat tax: https://i.imgur.com/ntvdV4V.jpg Hope it brightens y'all's day.

PiHole and new NAS are all set up. I had a disk corruption while moving data over (thanks btrfs). Nothing super important was on there, but now I'm going to get to spend my evening sifting through photorec output. After that it'll be on to getting everything integrated with Nextcloud, and then world domination?

I went out with friends and realized the eclipse was happening lol. So we hung out with a random group of people for a bit and got some photos.

Other than that, I've been burning out. Somehow the past weekend helped me recover in spite of it being busy then too. So I dunno. Life's weird with it's random issues and solutions. I'm definitely tired though. As much as I like being at uni, I want a break. I'm worried I'll burn out again... But we'll see.

In other news, I'm hungry. I'm craving desserts. And I miss my dog.

I got some really nice chai from the local Indian supermarket. I gave up coffee a few months ago- or Ozempic put me right off it- and I had a hole in my life where a hot drink belongs. I'm glad to have found something I like.

It's looking like it'll be a stormy autumn and winter and honestly I'm here for it, even though I know the reasons for it are ungood on a global scale. I love wind and rain to a ridiculous degree.

I think I've finally worked out all the CPAP bugs but I'm still waiting to feel better. I suspect that part of the problem is that the dose of my blood pressure medication needs to be lowered and that's making me tired, but I won't see my GP again until next month so I have to deal.

Had a much needed solo weekend roadtrip to the Eastern Sierras in California to see the autumn colors and eclipse viewing. Bodie is a really cool ghost town. Altitude insomnia is no joke, had a dramatic difference in sleep quality when coming back to sea level.

Now back to my cycle of rat rotting and spiraling to my inevitable burnout before catching a second wind. Living is expensive and exhausting but some things make it worth it I guess. Sometimes I wish I could escape and live in a cottage in the countryside but that comes with its own challenges and drawbacks.

I don't know where this should get posted but like passing thought. Where do people make Internet friends in 2023 / 2024 ?

My body hurts

This week is going pretty well! I don't have anything big looming over me that I need to get done, and I'm seeing Peter Gabriel this weekend, so I'm super psyched about that.

My neck and shoulders have been really hurting me lately. I got a prescription for massages from my dr but I suck at making appointments so I might just be in pain for a while. Going to Chicago solo next weekend and that's a little scary. I need a life coach but just for like little stuff haha

*Edit- just remembered I have a high deductible plan so I won't be getting any massages.

Still ill, annoyingly. It's just a cough now but every time I go to choir I can't speak the day after. I know I need to rest my voice but I can't miss a rehearsal without not being allowed to perform at the concerts.

Speaking of, got an invite to potentially sing in Hiroshima as part of the 80th anniversary of the bombing in 2025. It costs a huge amount to travel there but may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Not sure whether to go for it.

Otherwise I'm ok. Meeting at work last week went ok, they're going to try and get some clarity to me before Christmas.

Currently drowning in school work but I’m about to graduate so I’m just pushing myself through.

Currently shopping for a new graphics card as a grad gift actually. I’m leaning toward something similar to the rx 7800xt which would be my first AMD card. It’s hard to argue with the numbers, especially since I don’t expect to be using ray tracing or DLSS for at least a couple years.

Overall, struggling to stay motivated and very sleep deprived. It’s my fault though, I need to return to meditation

Quite an uneventful week for a change. Got painfully reminded that I've got a lactose intolerance last weekend, but thankfully that has cleared up.
On the plus side, I got a little basket for all my tea things at work so I can easily carry everything to my desk. I'm disproportionately happy about it for some reason, I guess it's because everything just fits so perfectly :)
So yes, it's a week of small pleasures (and one painful torture).

I'm looking for an Android job and got an offer for a web + android job. It'd mostly be web probably and I'm not sure if I should go for it.

Mainly because I've got two other interviews coming up and also I don't want to impact my career experience when I'm looking for my next job. What do you think?

Mental health is declining again lol

Don't even know, between being frazzled plus mild paranoia, but have started on a long break from alcohol & on day three of cutting down (massively) on smokes with a view to quitting the latter entirely. Going well so far.

Trouble is, my ADHD meds seem to make me fiend nicotine in cigarette format to an alarming degree. Alcohol to a lesser extent. Though the meds are a big help, I don't know that they make me functional enough to take the physical health hit of either, nor the disarray caused by alcohol.

Which rather leaves me back at square one. Oh well.