silentdanni

It's been a very long week. I'm glad it's almost over, and I'll have two rest days until next week starts. My depression got slightly worse due to someone unexpected coming back into my life, someone I thought I'd never talk to or hear from again. I was getting accustomed to no longer having this person around, and I realised I was doing much better without them. My anxiety was under control; I was making more gains in the gym than ever, girls(and guys!) started paying more attention to me whenever I went out, and I was finally trying out new hobbies!

Then, out of nowhere, four weeks ago or so, I got a message on my WhatsApp. Despite being in a much better place now, I engaged with them. I knew it was a bad idea from the get-go, but part of me was still clinging to the past, I suppose. Finally, I did what I should've done aeons ago: I closed our communication channels yesterday when they inevitably brought more drama into my life that I didn't need. We've known each other for 22 years, and part of me will sorely miss them, but I think I'm much better off without them.

I've been training a lot and got into natural bodybuilding over the past few months. I finally found a coach that seems pretty good, and I'm hoping we can start training after the summer once I'm back from my parents' place. Sadly, all of this has messed up my recovery as it has substantially increased my stress levels. Hopefully, it'll all be back on track soon. Being an HSP makes this situation harder, but I think I'm better equipped now than ever. It's only up from here! (I hope!)

Sorry for the wall of text. It's been a very long week, and I suppose I needed to vent somewhere.

So what's Noita's appeal? I've tried getting into it several times, but it never clicked. It feels overly difficult, but not in a fun way. I'm sure I'm missing something, as this kind of game would be up my alley otherwise.

It's been mostly good. Sadly, my parents could not come because the consulate could not issue their visas on time, but we made the best out of what we had. I've now been resting at my sister's place, and it's been such a pleasant surprise. We had not lived together since she was 8(she's 20 now), so it has been quite the experience for both of us. I'm flying back home tomorrow, and I'm already planning a return trip. I needed this break. I feel I could finally stop and take a breath of confidence and self-control. I haven't had any depressing thoughts, and, more importantly, I feel like I was finally able to let go of some of the ghosts that have been haunting me this year. It was excruciating, but I'm happy I did it. I feel confident they won't be coming back anymore to torture and taunt me. So, I feel I can finally start a new era in my life and move forward, one step at a time. Let's hope I can keep the positivity. At least, for now, I think I got this and 2024 can bring it. :)

Joyce Carol Oates is there; She counts for hundreds of cool people; I think some other writers make use of it too. I hope they voice their discontent.

Nazis find a way to ruin every fucking thing. I really believe certain groups of people should not have right to free speech. In 2024, we should be well-aware that tolerating intolerance does not work. Just fucking look around and take a look at what these people are doing with their free speech. I am not the gatekeeper or good morals and the bastion of good values. Some ideologies are objectively bad, though.

It's been a good week except for the whole covid thing. It lasted only 2 days, but left me with a nasty cough. I'm gonna go visit my sister down south next tuesday; I'm really looking forward to that. I'm hoping this will give me ample opportunity to think, breathe and decide on the next steps of my life. I also tried out a new gym, which is closer to my house, last thursday. Going to a new gym is always a stress for me cause I never really know if it's just going to be a bunch of "bros", if you get my gist. Nothing ever happened, but loud people can make me anxious. To my surprise, it was mostly empty with the exception of some dudes here and there. I've also started listening to all the albums, I've been ignoring this year to compile my best of 2023 list.

I've been a bit depressed, as usual, but it was mostly manageable. It seems that my overall mood is a little bit more stable even though I have pretty harsh weeks at times such as last week...

I have the same problem; my flat is only about 50sqm. Judging by the way things are going, I think there’s a chance Nvidia will release some consumer-grade hardware meant for LLMs in the near-ish future. Until they reveal their next lineup, although it may seem like a poor financial decision, I’m just sticking to using the cloud for running llms.

I’m also hoping to get my hands on some raspberry pis too. I would like to build a toy k3s cluster at some point and maybe run my own mastodon instance. :)

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it. ❤️

I managed to convince myself, with the help of my therapist and trainer, that exercising is a habit that is essential for my wellbeing. I’ve lost 15kg and am quite proud of my progress. It’s the first time in a long time that I can look myself in the mirror and feel comfortable in my body. Mind you, I’m not thin by any means and don’t feel like I need to be, but I do feel and look much healthier. :)

I cannot recommend Ursula’s books enough. Her writing style is so fluid and satisfying. The way she crafts her sentences is stunning. She’s a very good storyteller. Reading her book has been the highlight of my day.

I once witnessed a German person explaining the holocaust to an Israeli person. The world is collectively getting more stupid.

Edit: maybe it isn’t, but social media is definitely helping us reach our stupidity potential.

Ah man, dealing with depression can be really hard. I hope things are getting better for you and you’re happily trying out your new clothes.

What are your plans for your new homelab, if I may ask?

Hang in there, sir.

I had two parties to attend this weekend, but ended up getting a flu. It’ll be chicken soup and crappy reality TV for me.

My mental health has also started to decline again since last week. I’m not sure if it’s the deadly winter of the Nordics or just depression slowly creeping back in. In any case, I feel really scared. The world feels overwhelming and it seems, at times, that my efforts to come to grips with the new circumstances surrounding my life are futile.

I try to convince myself that I did the best I could, that the alternative solution would’ve most likely brought my early demise.

Still, it feels I did everything wrong. I feel I closed some doors that I did not mean to close. I reached the conclusion that the events that took place this year will most likely haunt me to my deathbed. I hope some day it stops hurting so much, though.

I look around and see some friends who have gone through similar situations and it all seems so easy to them. “Don’t compare yourself with others”, my therapist says incessantly every week. Sadly, I can’t help feeling weak in this situation. It’s been over 9 months, but still find myself crying every now and then before bed. I still find myself wishing I just wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

It’s not all bad though. I’m still being very consistent with the gym and I’m now doing pull ups like they were never a problem. I have also learned a few new songs in my acoustic guitar and it finally doesn’t sound like I’m killing a cat whenever I strum it.

Oh, I’ve also been reading The Dispossessed by Ursula Le Guin and I think that’s the first book that completely transports me to another world since the first Harry Potter. 😄

Take care everyone and sorry for the wall of text. o/

It has not been a bad week. It has been over two weeks with no self-harm thoughts and I can’t express how happy I am about it. Of course, my brain still insists on waking me up in the middle of the night to give me a highlight reel of my past fuckups, but I’m coping.

I’ve also been learning to accept that one of the most important persons in my life is now gone and that’s it. It’s okay, though, I’ve been doing fine enough without her and the thought of not talking to her ever again doesn’t terrify anymore.

My deload week at gym has been ok. It’s easy and light, which I’m slowly learning to appreciate. My body feels great when it’s not so fatigued by constantly lifting heavy weights. Keeping tabs on my diet has been paying its dividends as I see my BMI going down week after week. I’m a few pounds away from no longer being considered overweight. Oh yeah, I also managed to do my first pull up!

All in all, it’s been a positive week. I’m hoping that the horrible events that took place earlier this year are now firmly behind me and won’t come back to haunt me. God, I really fucking hope so. It was hard, folks, it was really fucking hard.

Well, it has just started, but I cannot complain. I think my depression and my anxiety both seem to be somewhat stable; it feels like my nervous system is finally getting used to my new circumstances. I also haven't had any thoughts about self-harm in 3-4 days, which I think is a major accomplishment, so I'm proud of myself.