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how's your week going, Beehaw (self.chat)

submitted 11 months ago by alyaza to c/chat

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i got sick again so the financial update and also this thread are late. i'll get the financial update up at a later point, or i might just combine it with january since there's not that much to report as far as i can tell

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[–] silentdanni 9 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

I had two parties to attend this weekend, but ended up getting a flu. It’ll be chicken soup and crappy reality TV for me.

My mental health has also started to decline again since last week. I’m not sure if it’s the deadly winter of the Nordics or just depression slowly creeping back in. In any case, I feel really scared. The world feels overwhelming and it seems, at times, that my efforts to come to grips with the new circumstances surrounding my life are futile.

I try to convince myself that I did the best I could, that the alternative solution would’ve most likely brought my early demise.

Still, it feels I did everything wrong. I feel I closed some doors that I did not mean to close. I reached the conclusion that the events that took place this year will most likely haunt me to my deathbed. I hope some day it stops hurting so much, though.

I look around and see some friends who have gone through similar situations and it all seems so easy to them. “Don’t compare yourself with others”, my therapist says incessantly every week. Sadly, I can’t help feeling weak in this situation. It’s been over 9 months, but still find myself crying every now and then before bed. I still find myself wishing I just wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

It’s not all bad though. I’m still being very consistent with the gym and I’m now doing pull ups like they were never a problem. I have also learned a few new songs in my acoustic guitar and it finally doesn’t sound like I’m killing a cat whenever I strum it.

Oh, I’ve also been reading The Dispossessed by Ursula Le Guin and I think that’s the first book that completely transports me to another world since the first Harry Potter. 😄

Take care everyone and sorry for the wall of text. o/

[–] wildeaboutoskar 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. It's impressive that you're managing to keep up with things like the gym and guitar though in spite of that.

Glad to hear you're able to escape through reading. Heard so many good things about Ursula Le Guin but not got around to reading anything yet.

[–] silentdanni 3 points 11 months ago

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it. ❤️

I managed to convince myself, with the help of my therapist and trainer, that exercising is a habit that is essential for my wellbeing. I’ve lost 15kg and am quite proud of my progress. It’s the first time in a long time that I can look myself in the mirror and feel comfortable in my body. Mind you, I’m not thin by any means and don’t feel like I need to be, but I do feel and look much healthier. :)

I cannot recommend Ursula’s books enough. Her writing style is so fluid and satisfying. The way she crafts her sentences is stunning. She’s a very good storyteller. Reading her book has been the highlight of my day.