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It's very difficult to find motivation to do much of anything.

An unexpected two-day hospital stay meant I couldn't make the deadline to bill my time for the prior two weeks, forced a very unpleasant life change on me, and the next domino was a credit-card payment due last week. It used to be when I was a week past due, I could still access my remaining credit, but no more, and even scheduling a payment for next week couldn't change that. So I have $11 for the next nine days without being in a food position that anticipated being down to so little. Guess it's Chef Boyardee, bologna sandwiches and water for the next week!

The election looms over everything, but for me in specific, whose job is mostly rewriting press releases about federal grants for green energy and tech, it's pretty clear that I won't have anything to cover come Jan. 20. Which means even when I have money, I need to continue acting as though I don't. I've been on this fucking seesaw since just before covid, and while some swings have been my own choices, the vast majority have been circumstance.

I don't have the energy or will to go through yet another job search. And I can't take a full-time position because wages will be garnished by creditors.

I've been wondering if the hobbies I've been nurturing over the past while are just a distraction from not being able to get ahead in life and that if I were doing better off stability wise would I pursue the same things?

It's kinda like a weird butterfly effect of "if I wasn't struggling, would I be doing this still?" And then I question if I'm doing the right thing. Instead of investing time into hobbies or other superficial artistic endeavors, would I be better off by now if I had managed to invest the time into bettering myself, learning marketable skills, looking for better paying work etc?

I feel like it might not be worth overthinking things either, though. Looking into the past probably isn't helpful. But trying to look to the future has me questioning the past, lol.

I finally hit a small moment of freedom from school. For the first time in months I can breathe, just a bit, from burnout. Although there's more to be done, the most important tasks vanished from my sight... for now. ;-;

Did an internship interview and it went really well! I ended up talking to one interviewer afterwards for thirty minutes, and I got the vibe that I'm one of their better candidates. I'll know if I got it by the next or following week.

Cut off my friend who was an 'ex.' It was relieving. Words cannot describe the exasperation, confusion, and disappointment I felt about him throughout the whole relationship, including pre/post romantic period. Trying to clarify communication/boundaries/issues with him felt like constipated diarrhea and the Jackie Chan meme on repeat.

I'll be celebrating my Mom's bday tomorrow which just so happens to land on Thanksgiving. Had Friendsgiving last week. ⌯’▾’⌯

Pretty bad. I work retail and the customers and bosses have been horrible.

My dad asked me for a DNA test at Thanksgiving. I agreed because I wanted to vindicate mom but now I realize that's a stupid idea because he's just looking to prolong a decades-long argument with someone who wants nothing to do with him. It doesn't matter what the outcome is, it's a way to get his foot back in the door.

Great holiday. Hope he's dead before the next one.

I've been totally adrift since I gave up being a digital artist, and people keep telling me to try Bluesky because it's "less hateful" than Twitter. I keep getting followed by queerphobes and there's been some implied threat of cyberstalking.

My friends' reactions basically amount to, "well it's not all fun and games to stand up for queer people, you should have known this would happen, if we chickened out like you we'd have to stop being queer altogether" like I didn't have to grow my hair out and stop binding to get people to leave me alone.

I know I'm too old for this but sometimes I wish someone would be nice to me. I'm tired of being manipulated and talked down to and pushed aside like trash. I wish my friends or my family or someone would just be like, "I'm sorry, that sucks" instead of reminding me every five seconds that I suck.

For some crazy reason it took 3 days to perform a successful password change on my home WiFi network. Most of that time was spent trying to figure out why the hell Blink wouldn't jump to the new network. Turns out Blink doesn't like numbers in the SSID based on my fix.

We had to say goodbye to our cat, Maeko, this past Friday. Vet confirmed that her kidney function was dropping, and she had lost over half her body weight in the past two weeks. Meds might have stabilized her but wouldn't have given her much more than another month, and at reduced quality. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since before Thursday, I keep waking up and reaching for her.

She didn't require sedation, so we got to say goodbye to the real her and not someone halfway gone. And she got to go in my lap, getting her belly rubbed just the way she liked and purring. But I'm still hurting, even though I'm glad she doesn't hurt anymore.

Just trying to focus on the positives, like how our eleven week old daughter rolled herself over this evening, has a huge smile for me all the time, and watches my every move when I'm in the room with her no matter what else is happening.

hanging in there.

got to start my 2025 planner (wonderland222) this week since it starts in december 2024 and sunday is december 1st. 😊

headed to my partner's parents' new house for the holiday. just two nights, and then we'll come back and do a friend hang with some folks in town.

the instructor for my rally obedience class said i could bring loki (oldest, aussie) to class next week so i could video his final rally novice submission he needs for his title. it will also be echo's third (and final) rally novice course! she was the only dog in class last night, so we got to do more off leash work and play between running the course, which she seemed to very much enjoy. i need to read up on the rules for AKC's fetch titles, because i'm pretty sure she could get 'em with a bit more practice.

Got a part change request from the mold maker that looked really simple until I remembered how I built the part in CAD. Thought it would take days to fix. Change one number in the very first feature in the tree, redefine the only plane that broke, and somehow it just works^TM^. It was like 10 minutes worth of work. It will probably take me twice that time to show the product manager to get him to sign off on the visual change it causes. And I probably have 15 minutes of fixing drawings.

It's going pretty well so far. I've been working doubles, and that screwed up my sleep schedule a little bit, but I'm excited about a few things. I've been looking into machine learning, and the idea of training an AI to play video games seems fascinating to me. I know it's been around for a while, but I'm just starting to get into it.