Asklemmy

I wanna start by saying I'm not under it these days but I've been in the hole. ironically it's precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I'd even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I'd try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don't think weird. But it feels to me like people don't trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I'm not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don't remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn't fit in well. Like I'm invisible.

It's been about 10 years like this now. And I'm starting to get, I don't know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I'm roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.

The rampant discrimination and racism my migrant wife isbsubjected to and my helplessness as i cant be around protecting her during they day.

• Constantly nagging unhelpful family
• Social anxiety
• Degrading health
• About to fail my college
• No direction

Nothing, really. Which is the worst part. My life is objectively good, nothing extra fancy, but nothing really bad either. Doesn't change the fact that everything feels shitty. I hate this the most - I'm long past the events that caused my depression, yet it's still here as a reminder.

To me it's not weight, but a greyscale filter on life. This greyscale filter is always there. Sometimes it feels stronger, sometimes it feels less strong, but it never fully goes away.

So I'd say: this.

saying "you are loved" is like saying "thoughts and prayers", it's nonsense. love is an action, something done for you selflessly

• a not fulfilling job
• extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
• climate change

I am absolutely alone.

I have not had a friend irl in like 7 years and on top of that a lot of trauma that has made it very difficult to trust people now. In 2020 some bad stuff happened to me at like right at the start of the year just before the pandemic really took off. I just... shut down, pandemic and trauma and everything I just couldn't cope other than withdrawing from everything.

Thats been going on for 3 years now, pretty much live like a hermit now even though I am in the middle of a big city, like hikikomori levels of hermit. No family nearby. I just never leave my apartment anymore, get everything delivered. I can "technically" leave, I am able to go to things like a rare dr appointment or something like that. But I get near panicky if I am out too long, I have thrown up several occasions trying. It's actually been a few years now since I even talked to any one irl except for people in like service roles like shopkeepers or receptionists, things like that. I actually don't know how to unhermit myself at this point. I feel trapped.

If you read this and think of commenting some shit about how I just need to put myself out there please fuck off, it's not that simple.

That some day all of the good things in my life could disappear, without me even doing anything. The fleetingness of real happiness and the fact that constant euphoria is unattainable. That I’m not living up to my potential, that I’m being exploited and under valued, that I’m never present for my emotions because I self medicate and distract.

Also my dad just died and I didn’t think it would affect me much because we didn’t have a great relationship. But yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was alive and the happiness I felt to see him again was immediately crushed by the relalisation that I would never see him again, and he’d miss everything from here on out. I was inconsolable, still am tbf

But also I’m in therapy and take prescribed meds that work for me, so I’m doing my best.

Depression tends to go hand in hand with having a chronic illness. Especially when it feels like you're constantly fighting what feels like a losing battle with it...

Lately my sense of motivation has been in an odd state. I'll do things for others, or when it involves more than just myself - like I'll go to work and do my best because I've committed to it, if friends ask me to do something I'll do so, etc. But when it comes to doing things for just me I'm finding it difficult to have the drive to do so. Listening to music and jamming it out while programming was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time and even that seems to not have the "spark" that it once did.

It feels like there are just so many factors of my life that are off kilter, and when I try to re-balance one, its difficult to do so because a different facet is off and affecting it. It's like a game of whack-a-mole really.

Just the depression and irritations that go on for no apparent reasons.

Work probably. I make a good living but I feel like no amount of money can compensate for the time I waste every day doing work that I get almost no meaning from.

My only hope besides winning the lottery is that developements in AI is going to make the economy (along with the stocks I'm invested in) skyrocket so that I can retire and move to a middle of forest.

I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.

It's terrifying.

My health. It's made me lose so many connections, and lately it's made me feel like I'm invisible. Not even those closest to me really know how to deal with me and me having to cancel things because my body says no.

Economic anxiety. I still don't feel like I'm in a comfortable position at the moment and it feels like I'm falling behind some of my goals, economically speaking. I put some of my hobbies and interests on the back burner to focus on work. I started a new job a few months ago and I genuinely like it. I hope to there longterm as I slowly replenish my finances and pay off my debts.

Poor relationships, college struggles, and mental health problems.

Thanks Yoda.

I have clinical depression, so it's hard to pin down a "most". Lots of it just exists.

But, I'd have to say a negative self-talk cycle, probably. No idea why I do it or why it's so intense, but it's constantly there.

To the people answering "climate change": How does that feel?

I can only sympathize with the feelings referring to oneself. Like being miserable or blaming myself for my individual situation. Climate change doesn't make me depressed personally, more angry. (At politics for example.) But it's not something i overly blame myself for.

I would like to know what you feel. Weltschmerz? Being helpless? Does it somehow concern you more than other people because of your geographical location?

One of the things that weighs me down is posts making me dwell on the things that weigh me down.

Right now I'm at a breaking point. I've been in therapy and medication which didn't helped and I stopped them. I've also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I'm only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they're way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we're really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don't burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don't have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I'm going through since they have their own health issues now and they're not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I've failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don't enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me "in the game" is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.

At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can't even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.

I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I'm almost 50.

I have a job that doesn't make me happy and a wife who even though she's great has a lot of health issues that cause me to take on more stress. She's trying to get the health problems figured out butt it's been a half dozen trips to the doctor and we still don't know why she just passes out.

I need to do more stuff outside the house but I don't know where to start. I like dnd but the idea of finding a group terrifies me, even if online.

I just feel like I'm standing still and not in control of things at the moment. My siblings are taking steps forward in their own ways (having kids, moving abroad) and I'm stuck in a job I've had before that I moved back to because of a restructure, so I didn't choose it. It's not fulfilling but I'm good at it, but when it's the only thing I have going on it feels like I should be getting more out of it than I am. Also just feeling isolated as I don't connect with people in my team and I don't have a huge social life.

I want to get my own home so can't really take any huge risks jobwise at the moment. Just feeling stuck.

I've been depressed as long as my memory goes back. It was less severe back then, but anyone that learned of it always gave me advice that I'd try and it wouldn't help, and then one day that advice made it worse.

The quintessential "go to the gym, it'll produce hormones that make it better.". On paper, it looked like a plan, in addition to my lifelong depression I have lifelong insomnia. Working out should exhaust me and make me tired, right?

Well, I committed for half a year. I changed up schedules but always was there no less than an hour (usually an hour and a half), and would focus on both cardio and strength training. Did I mention I was fat? Sorry, am fat.

One of the first things I noticed was no matter how hard I pushed myself it didn't help me sleep. In fact, it made me wired and gave me near constant sleep paralysis. My brain would be awake but my body? Exhausted. It also didn't help with my weight, despite dieting, but that was most likely just due to replacing far with muscle.

But nonetheless I pushed on. Until one day I was on elliptical and pushed my leg a little too.. far? I felt a pop and then immense pain. I managed to make it home without help. Cut forward a month and I've spent thousands of dollars on figuring it out. Turns out? Herniated disc. Which means it probably wasn't caused by the gym and merely triggered there.

My life transition from working out for half a year to physical therapy for half a year. I was miserable and in pain constantly. Finally, I had enough, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and some days I was bedridden from the pain - but being in bed didn't alleviate the pain.

I quit physical therapy, and within a week the pain was gone. I discovered that those basic exercises made the issue worse, and just stopping 99% of my physical activity erased the pain.

I floated for a year, slowly learning the new nuances of my life. I had sold my motorcycle ages ago because riding it put pressure on my spine. Couldn't play volleyball or other sports with family for the same reason.

Most days were fine, some days I'd "wake up on the wrong side of bed" and be in pain for the day. I developed type 2 diabetes and NAFLD. I got fired from my job for tardiness because I missed a few days due to the pain. Yes, I explained that. And me missing it has no impact on them either, just "set a bad example". Sure, I could probably have pursued something but when you're finding the motivation to get out of bed more difficult by the day, extracurricular stuff like that is a ways away.

Other stuff happened, I got a new job, fully remote (before COVID), my 3rd floor apartment flooded and my landlord tried to screw me over (fortunately my new boss is a lawyer and gave me great advice and confidence).

The back pain episodes are getting more frequent, a couple years ago I had a two week span of back pain so intense I would have killed myself, but I couldn't actually get into a position to try. Dragging myself to the toilet, and then up onto it, is not a confidence inducing experience.

All this started when I was 21. I'm 27 now and my health is getting worse. Found out I was ADHD (I think) which may have explained why I was depressed as a kid, but that ADHD is also drug resistant. Since moving after the flood I haven't been to my regular doctor appointments, nor eye doctor, nor dental. I have insurance and can afford the basics but the overwhelming thought of trying to identify a doctor close to me to fill each niche holds me back. My T2 diabetes has been untreated for years. I have property taxes due sometime later this year I won't be able to afford, I need to find contract work or something to earn a little extra income but I just want to shut down. I do my best to visit family and appear functional.

And this is before you compound all the other stuff going on IRL. War, undeniable climate change, plastic infiltrating everything, capitalism thinking everything. It's just exhausting, and sometimes I have to wonder - did I just end up in hell at some point and this is what it is? The day I finally die I'll start over, doomed to repeat this? I make it worse for myself by comparing my suffering to other's, invalidating my own suffering because others have it worse.

The best it seems I can do is find things to distract me. And work at my job I've considered my lifeline since I got it. But I'm tired. So very tired.

Being expected to somehow lift my own bootstraps, and being treated as a burden for not being able to fix myself unassisted.

I don't know.

I feel like there are no happy options for me. There are only least-bad. I have a million different ways to spend my time and energy and they're mostly lesser-evil choices. If I do the things I want to do, then my family suffers. If I do the things my family wants/needs to do, then I suffer. Regardless, a large majority of my decisions are filled with suffering. I don't see any end to this.

That there is karma and mods on lemmy. The community should have full control and no mods. Karma should be banned as a way to enforce conformity and a highly toxic.

Its hard to put my feelings into text because my depression stems from all over the place.

A major fraction of my depression comes from my ex being toxic to me and my friends. She would ignore me most days when I would try to reach out to her and even when I was with her in person she would still ignore me this hurt me really bad because at the time I really missed her until I found out she was talking shit behind my back while I was away in Egypt and I only found out after the break up. During the relationship she would call me and come to the phone crying and would tell me her father and mother are fighting again, I would clam her down and comfort her and try to make her feel better, but sometimes I would come to the phone crying and feeling down and I was left in the dust by myself.

Every time we talk she would try to put me in my place and try to talk me down, I really didn't noticed she did that until after the relationship. The relationship ship was one sided and I would always try to make it better by reaching out to her and taking her on dates, but I feel used. And another thing after the break up she told the school that I was going to shoot it up and before I was called down to the principals's office I got a really weird text message from her

"Hey can you stop bring people into it your making it worse and not making anything better if you wanted something back you could’ve just texted me. If you don’t stop imma afraid I will have to report it" this was during lunch were my friend A was pissed off about the fact my ex said bad things to her about me, I don't remember what was said because I was at another table with the bois. When I was at the principals office he was really trying to watch his words, after my talk with the principal my ex's parents came into the office and I was like oh shit and the principal said hurry up, It was an oh shit moment then the principal shoves me into the library WHERE MY EX AND HER TOXIC FRIEND WAS. keep in mind during the relationship my ex is an adult and I'm still a minor.

Theres a lot more I could go into but for being a first relationship it tis a piece of shit. This is the main thing I wanted to get out, but theres more things I could type, but I'm tired.