Flip it around. If you missed an appointment, would you want them pissed off you wasted their time? Would you want them to yell at you? Most likely you would have had a good reason and would want them to understand. It’s most likely the same for them.
this post was submitted on 17 Jan 2024
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Except the therapist works for the OP, not the other way around. If it were just OP’s friend who stood them up, then you’d have a point. But this is someone OP had an agreed-upon appointment with someone they are paying to treat them. And also keep in mind that many doctor’s offices will charge for a missed appointment if the patient didn’t show and made no attempt to communicate ahead of time.
Sure, there are probably understandable circumstances that have caused this, and the therapist will probably make it up to them. But that doesn’t invalidate OP’s feelings and expectations, especially in the moment.
Not only does this phenomenon have a name (Fundamental Attribution Error), OP's situation is the example case given on the wikipedia page:
In other words, observers tend to overattribute the behaviors of others to their personality (e.g., he is late because he's selfish) and underattribute them to the situation or context (e.g., he is late because he got stuck in traffic).
I’d feel safer with a person who raised their voice at me for being late, than with a person who just let it go.
God why? I wouldn't want to be around someone so angry.
Raising one’s voice isn’t a loss of control. I don’t feel safe around people who let others abuse them, because I know their lack of a visible response doesn’t mean a total lack of response.
Someone who isn’t visibly addressing disrespect against them, is instead building up resentment.
People with boundaries that are too permissive are less safe, in my book, than people who address disrespect immediately and openly.
Do you mean "speaking up" when you say that? Because "raising one's voice" implies yelling to most people, I think. If yes, then I agree. Being comfortable addressing issues like this is very valuable. That said, I disagree that not addressing it means they're just "building up resentment". They could be, but it's not a certainty by any stretch.
Why is that? That opinion confuses me
Repressed rage tends to cause spectacular blowouts.
Emotionally mature adults shouldn't have to shout at anyone in daily life. It's not repressed rage if you have an even temperament.
I do know several volatile people who consider it normal to 'blow off steam' by having a raging argument every now and then. It may be helpful to them but it's childish and unfair to those around them.
This is therapy. Ffs read the context.
Talk about being completely unaware...
The context of the comment I asked the question to was a situation flip where they stated they’d be more comfortable if the therapist raised their voice in response to them being late…
So, yes. I wouldn’t expect a therapist to have anger issues like that.
You dont yell at your therapist either. Anger management seems like a good first target if you cant stop yourself from yelling at people.
No therapist should put up with being yelled at.
I didn’t say “shout”. I said “raised their voice”.
Raising one’s voice means speaking with more force than casual.
You can split hairs, but I certainly don't 'feel safer' around people who raise their voice to me. It's intemperate, threatening and often bullying. But I can see we won't agree.
It's pretty unprofessional for a therapist to fully blow off a first session with no communication.
That being said, I'd honestly suggest that when you do start with her, you tell her how her absence made you feel (in a respectful way). Therapy works best if you come to the sessions being honest about your own flaws that you want to improve. It sounds to me like you don't like feeling the way this incident made you feel. If she is a good therapist, she will not be offended and instead help to provide you strategies to manage the negative emotions you are feeling.
Shit happens. Even for therapists
I think it’s worthwhile to understand that it has nothing to do with you and that it is more a reflection on their professionalism and dedication to their work. That being said things happen and be compassionate to them while not letting people walk all over you.
Stay strong. It’s not about thick skin it’s about empathy I feel.
I think you should bring this up with your therapist. Do it politely, but don’t ignore it. If your therapist refuses to treat you in response to your braining it up politely, then you’re better off with no therapy than with this person.
You're allowed to be annoyed by it. That's an annoying thing to have happen. But yelling at her won't fix the situation, and as you've already noted, is only going to make things worse. Feeling angry is OK. Taking it out on someone else is not.
Can you take that emotion and do something else with it? Make a piece of art, play a shoot 'em up game, listen to an angry song, etc?
Incidentally, learning to address disrespect in a respectful manner is a good step on the path to being less reactive.
It’s better to address things early and calmly than to do it late and in anger. Achieving more respect from others will reduce reactivity and sensitivity to insult and loss.
Rub the skin area often and frequently, it'll grow thicker with time
For those of you who have experienced something similar, how doesn’t it bother you?
Get smarter. Back when I was younger, I'd often go on a date only to meet a ghost. Took me 2 times to learn to call the girl 30 minutes before the date to confirm if it was still up. No answer? I'm not getting out.
Your case was a professional appointment. I don't suppose your therapist said she wouldn't be available today? If she didn't, that's her fault. When you manage to meet her face to face, calmly state that it made her look unprofessional (if she gets upset at that, well, she's not a good professional, imo)
In the meantime, just remember that whatever gets you worked up will be thrown into your face, either by life, internet randos or something else. Feeling angry is addicting, but it's pointless most of the time.
No! Calmly state that it made you feel unsafe. There’s no reason to go straight to a character attack; any competent adult will recognize they fucked up when another tells them that their actions made them feel bad.
I think you might be having the wrong takeaway, or at least an unhelpful one.
The emotions you felt were normal to feel. And I totally understand not wanting to feel that way. But the path forward is learning how to process your emotions in a healthy way (note: this does not mean the same thing as "learn to stuff away your emotions").
Anger is often a reaction to feeling wronged or misunderstood, it can be helpful once you have calmed down from the initial spurt of anger, to sit with it and try to think about what exactly the reason is you are angry. If this situation had happened to me, my anger would probably have been rooted in feeling rejected/abandoned (this is something I have a particular issue with, so that makes sense). For you, it might be the same, or something entirely different. Figuring out why you felt angry is the first step to being able to process what you're feeling. You can then try to turn whatever your findings are into a plan for the future, should a similar situation happen again, or if applicable, prevent/reduce the likelihood of it happening again.
In a way, making this exact post you've made is actually you trying to take measures to prevent yourself feeling this way in the future. It's kind of meta, but helpful.
Others have mentioned that you might broach this topic with your therapist, and I agree. Keep it to how it made you feel, don't say anything about your therapist. "I felt let down when you missed our appointment. I felt ever more helpless because I had no notice. Do you think it would be possible to have some notice in the future, if you must miss or reschedule a session?" that kind of thing. Others also touched on what to do if this is a routine thing for the therapist, and I'll leave that to them.
I read most of the other comments and I didn't see this sentiment but: genuinely, give yourself props for noticing an issue, and seeking a way to fix it. And, give yourself props for seeking therapy. You are doing the right thing. Today wasn't your fault and you haven't "failed" at the first step. You deserve to feel proud of yourself. Keep going.
Get a job in retail. You'll be amazed at how fast you learn to not give a hoot about anything.
I think there should be mandatory retail service like some countries do mandatory military service.
I feel like society would chill out a lot.
"Zombie Jamboree" by Robert Merkin. A pretty funny novel about Vietnam War. At one point a draftee is asked about ending the draft. He's against it because draftees are the people who are going to go home after the war and will not put up with lifers doing 'lifer shit.'
Lots of advice here, some of it good, some of it questionable.
Two things I’ll amplify from other comments: there’s a reason your therapist missed. It’s could be anything from messing up in their calendar app to a pet or a family member being injured it passing unexpectedly. This falls into the “shit happens” category. You’re allowed to be angry, upset, disappointed, or any combination - your time was wasted. There are generally two outcomes - 1) the miss was unintentional or unavoidable or 2) the therapist is unreliable. Until you find out that it’s case 2, recognize that a couple of wasted hours - in the course of your life- is small potatoes (perspective).
Another is the concept of “agency”. There are things you can affect in your life, in your relationships, and in the world. There are things you cannot. Nobody can force you to allow yourself to ignore the latter. They will always get under your skin. However, if you find yourself dwelling on those items, try and take a step back and identify things in your life you control or which you can alter/adjust. Finding those areas where you have agency allows you to impart your will, to be a positive force in your life trajectory.
I won’t even begin to tell you this is easy. It is a process and a way of interacting. Here’s an example - recognize your disappointment with your therapist but take the initiative to reschedule. Taking it a step further, the day before your next meeting, confirm the appointment. It can be a text or email - simple, low contact. If you don’t get a response, escalate near the end if the work day (or first thing the morning of the appointment) with a call. These are things you can do to manage your therapist and your collective schedules. Most professionals (I am one fwiw) will not be offended in the least with good (but not excessive) communication. If they are, or if the therapist still flakes out on you - well, we’re back to case (2) above and you’re on the troublesome path of finding a new / another therapist. BUT - you’ve done all you can in your power to make this a success. Recognize your initiative as a positive, personal attribute you will continue to leverage in your life.
I wish you the best!
I am on the anxiety spectrum and have had anger management issues, panic attacks, and the whole business.
My coping strategy has evolved into something like this. I have done a fair amount of body surfing in my day. For this, there is an ideal type of wave you want to ride. Big enough to carry you, but not so big that it'll bash you about. (My general rule of thumb is that I don't trust a wave that's taller than I am!)
So inevitably, you will encounter a big angry wave that wants to pummel you once in awhile. You can't stop it. The best you can do is take a deep breath, dive straight into it, and let it wash over your head. Not a pleasant experience as you still get knocked about, but you know it will inevitably pass and you just keep your body loose and let it do its thing.
I think of something like a panic attack in the same way. People who say don't stress over things are unhelpful. You can't control that. But you can ride it out in a loose, detached sort of way. Let that wave consume you as it must but rest assured it will pass over your head eventually. And when I say stay loose, I mean literally. If you feeling your muscles clenching or your breathing getting fast, focus on those first before working on the detached, stoic mental state.
I hope this helps you a bit? I learned this all the hard way.
I think that's a great metaphor and great advice. When it dawned on me that I don't have to react it was actually quite relieving. It's never easy, but it doesn't have to be so hard.
It's been my experience that people telling you to get thicker skin are abusing you.
Get a job, get married, have children. In that order. It is a progressive program, proven time and time again in real-world trials. If you stall at any of the lower steps, do not progress further until you achieve proficiency. If you aren't ready for a job yet because people are asses, try some tolerance building exercises like staying in one lane when driving, no matter how slowly the person ahead of you is driving.
The way to get stronger is to lift heavy things. The way to become tolerant is to be in annoying situations.
I stopped giving a shit when I was high on weed for 6 years. The bad shroom trip where I came to the conclusion that nothing matters (but it doesn't need to matter) might have contributed too.
But really, you just have to recognize the things that you have control over and learn to let go of the things you don't.
Your therapist is a human, and life happens.
There's a good chance that it's weather-related, so I wouldn't take it personally.
I don't know how it is where you are, but here in the PNW everything is basically an ice-skating rink, and no one is driving anywhere.
Have you tried any of the remote options like betterhelp or similar? I have a buddy who is employed through one of these platforms, the flexibility for both client and therapist seems really great. It’s not at all a case of having sub-par professionals on these sites, if that’s a concern.
If you simply prefer in-person, that’s understandable too. Just know that the options are out there, location shouldn’t limit someone’s therapy options in 2024.
I had a therapist not want to see me anymore. I was good with it because he always wanted to hug after sessions. Probably why he dropped me.
Per having a thick skin, the best I can say is become find a way to delight in nihlism. As George Carlin said, I root for the comet.