Asklemmy

“Better an empty house, than a bad tenant” after every loud fart.

"You don't have to shovel rain." - My grandfather when asked why he moved the family from Wisconsin to Oregon.

"How are you ever gonna keep a job if you can't keep juice in a cup?!"

I was 9 years old

My grandmother used to say: if you expect your good deed to be reciprocated, you’re not actually doing a good deed.

She said it in dutch, so I hope it’s an decent translation.

‘Whits fur ye will no’ go past ye’ - what’s for you will not go past you

My wee Scottish granny had some real wisdom.

‘No point in worrying about somethin cos if it happens ye suffer twice!’

From my grandmother: "Essen! Essen!" (Eat! Eat!) Followed quickly by "You need to lose weight! You're getting fat!"

When he was talking about turning 100: "I can't see, and I can't hear, but I can still eat so I'm not going to die."

He did indeed make it to 100.

Friend's grandfather used to say...

The hurrier I go the behinder I get.

In response to someone saying "oh my god" every single time, without fail:

"Well he's my god too!"

"Who just shit my pants?"

Oh man... this takes me back.

My grandpa used to always say to us kids, "I'm going to go upstairs to have sex with your grandmother".

It's not so much a catch phrase, but words that I will always remember.

My grandmother was a WWII vet who came home and vowed to be a pacifist. She raised 7 kids before going back to school. She was at Kent State in 1970, working on her masters degree. She happened to be on the commons when bullets started flying.

She died ~2002. When we were cleaning out her belongings we came across a brown stained handkerchief in a plastic bag along with some news clippings. The clippings were her letter to the editor of the Akron Beacon Journal describing her experience on May 4th. The hanky had a little handwritten note that said "this is the blood of Allison Krause. Shed for many. May 4th, 1970".

My grandmother was an amazing woman who did so many great things after the war. You could easily write a movie about her accomplishments. But out of everything she did, the words on that little note made the biggest impact on who I would grow to be.

Here's a little write up about the hankerchief/clippings.

A blind man would be happy to see that. (About a task completed poorly on a jobsite)

My Pop, whenever he was asked where something was: "It's in Annie's room, behind the clock." There was no Annie in our family, nor a bedroom with a clock you could put things behind.

Also my Pop whenever asked what something was: "It's a wig-wam for a goose's bridle."

These may not be iconic to anyone else, but they are sure as hell iconic in family lore, and us grand-kids are making sure we pass it down as much as we can.

When he wanted to remind us to turn off lights, he'd yell "save electrodes!"

When he was splitting wood with the "kabunger" (splitting maul) he'd yell "katabuungie!" When he swung.

When he'd drop wood on his toe he'd yell "GOTDAMMITSONOFABITCHGRAAH"

"Never fear the sea, fear the storm."

Two that I often quote:

Into each life, a little rain must fall. (almost always delivered sarcastically)

And:

Well, people in hell want ice water.

I loved that woman. Wish I would have known her better.

When doing stuff, my grandfather would sometimes say:

"Even small things help", said the fly, and she pissed into the sea.

Always made me laugh.

My maternal grandfather said "By Jove" a lot.

My paternal grandfather had a lot of sayings: "here's me head, me arse is coming", "she walks with a bit of a run", etc - typing them out a lot had to do with the way people walked. There are more though.

Whenever I got hurt, my grandmother would say "It'll get better before you're married!" I use that to this day with my nieces and nephews, who are not amused.

All my grandparents passed when I was young and I didn't know them well. However, my uncle quotes his father quite a bit. General advice "Never do anything you wouldn't want to read about in the paper." Whenever he offers you something, or is jokingly telling you why you shouldn't do something "It will make your babies come out naked and screaming" Also my mom's side of the family has a common last name and my grandfather stated that if we met another person that shared our last name that we could accept them as family if they were "reasonably dressed, moderately sober, and not asking for money"

When my 89 yo grandma accidentally farts she says "oops I stepped on a duck."

Some grandparents say "goodbye", my grandparents always departed with "Don't take any wooden nickels!"

My great grandma would say: "There's nothing bad which would not result in something good."

When I die, just stick a ham bone up me ass and let the dogs carry me away.

My mother’s requests for us to calm down escalated over the years: “Cool your jets” “Don’t get your underwear in a wad” “Don’t get caught in your zipper”

(Insert place) was so empty you could throw a cow through it!

"Getting old's not for pussies" - my Grandma

"How'd you seem to be this morning?"

From my grandma (who got it from her father):

"Of course the story is true, it just didn't happen"

Essentially, the story is more important than the actual event.

My grandfather was always "fair to middlin'"

Not good luck, good management. Luck is not a strategy.

Talking about making plans and thinking ahead.

My grandpa was german. In german, jetztwhich in english would be pronounced something like “yetst”, means “now”. His whole life he would use “yet” in place of where an english-native speaker would say “now”, and i always thought that was adorable.

The good old days weren't always so good

Mom says that my great grandmother had a notorious potty mouth. Whenever she'd get up off the chair she'd yell "oh, this heavy ass of mine!" ("Ay, este culo tan pesado!")

"Tables are for glasses, not asses."
~ My grandpa, whenever someone sat on a table.

Mz granddad used to say "Life is hard and unfair." whenever we complained about stupid shit.

"Because God loves Ireland!" after any question they might no tknow the answer for

"Things are the way they are."

Seriously.

Everytime my Nana would send an email or leave a voicemail, she would sign off "Ciao for now!"

My grandma, having to call for help but doesn’t know who of the many kids are around: hey, hey human who was named

Translation takes away from it.

The same one I'm still using today: "Kill all Nazis."

"... So I said, 'I do too know how to dig a hole! I say [racial slur], dig me hole!', Hahahaha!!!"

I learned more than I wanted to as a kid...