Melbourne

I did not have kids because of my relationship with my parents. I knew this when I was a kid myself.

My mum often wonders why she has barely a relationship with any of her 5 kids, of which I'm the youngest. However, her eldest is on life support with a couple of days left and she's already declared that she won't be going to the funeral because "you don't know how much she's hurt me!" (yes, I do, now grow the fuck up)

Similar to dumblederp, I saw what my siblings and I went through and decided that along with the fact that I was born without a maternal bone in my body, I wasn't going to risk raising kids and turning out like my parents.

Sorry, not the answer, but also an opportunity to trauma dump.

I am non contact with my father.

What did I do differently?

Always listened. Always asked for opinions. Made sure my daughter knew that her needs and wishes are equal to that of the adults. Made sure she knew I was always there and never ever forgot or went back on my word. Made sure she had good sex education. Lots of pocket money so she had freedom to buy anything she needed. Moved to a good area so she had good opportunities.

So many cuddles, so many I Love You's. No violence or fear.

I lucked out with my parents. Not the warmest household but shit got done. As a kid was all about the garden with the ol' man, and garden / shopping and cooking with mum. Also playing golf as a fam helped. Activities with your kiddo(s) as they grow up I think is pretty key. I don't think they had that so tried to 'undo' that part of their upbringing.

I think the specifics of how you raise your kids is less important than whether or not you respect them as individuals that will change, grow and decide their own direction in life. Toxic relationships between parents and children pretty much all boil down to treating the child as if they are subordinate to your own thoughts and feelings. That might be using a child to try to fill gaps in your life (like having children in the expectation that they will provide you with unconditional love), trying to control what they do for work, who they have relationships with etc.

Being responsive to your child's wants and needs and building a relationship based on that will always work far better than envisaging a relationship you want and trying to fit your child into that vision. The same applies to any relationship really - getting to know each other and working to create a mutually satisfying relationship over time takes both work and openness to knowing each other.

My wife hasn't spoke with her dad in over 20 years and with her mum for about 6 years now.

We both recognized what our parents did that was wrong (to us at least) and we tried to avoid repeating those mistakes.

We are also on the same page 99% of the time and back each other up.

From day 1 we put our kids first. Not our own parents and their wants, but us and the kids. That's probably the biggest one.

We don't care if our parents aren't happy with something, as long as we and the kids are happy.

Example - wife's family is big into giant family gatherings (weddings, birthdays, engagements etc). We are not. So we used to skip a lot of them, or leave early.

Received a fair bit of flack from relatives, and we just told them to shove it (politely). If my kid is tired or bored, we leave. Simple.

Growing up my parents were busy working trying to make ends meet. There was no holidays, no luxuries, we had the basics. It wasn't a particularly loving household but they were never cruel or selfish. I have a good relationship with my mum (my dad has passed) now.

I feel for people with manipulative and selfish parents. It's not the way it should be.

Here's a few do's and don'ts

My mum/dad is my best friend - no

My mum/dad guilt trip me - no

My mum/dad set boundaries because they love me and they show me and tell me they love me all the time - yes

You won’t because you’re aware of it and motivated to do better. Fucking up is inevitable but good intentions, self reflection, and trying to do better go a very long way

Edit: Unless you do a massive pendulum swing to overcompensate and ruin things a different way. But you know. Common sense

My parents are both dead, and the parenting techniques they employed with me were by today's standards abusive and illegal. Similar story with Mr P, and his relationship with his parents is an example of how not to conduct familial relations, but only to be expected from such beginnings. As we both get older and time passes, it becomes increasingly evident that Mr P & I are not on the same page with a lot of things, in a way I didn't ever anticipate could be possible, and are steadily and irrevocably drifting apart.

However, everything is a teaching moment, whether it's about what to do or what not to. In any family, some will determinedly model appropriate behaviour and "workshop," explain or discuss when it could've been better. Others are more an example of how not to be, and as such are still potentially useful while being far from admirable.

I could waffle in about this stuff for ages, but a pertinent thing I heard years ago went along the lines of, "The best part about being an adult is you get to choose which parts of your parents you get to be. You don't have to be your parents." It sounds like you have a more mindful attitude about parenting than previous generations in your family had. You get to build the relationship you want with your kids, we're not condemned to repeat history. My parenting style could not be more different from my parents, and that's a very deliberate choice of mine.