this post was submitted on 07 Oct 2023
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Probably stayed a little longer, at least sat in the same room as my niece and nephew, not left to dodge the situation. Especially as they got into their teens, I feel like they had more autonomy. I know it was because of my brother, but there was part of me that just stubbornly wasn't going to entertain them because of all the hurtful things he said. I could have at least worked on overcoming that part of myself, since it ultimately wasn't their fault. It shouldn't have impacted them. It had to impact them because of my brother, but maybe not to that extent.
I'd tell him, "You know how it is," and I think he did. He was smart, and he knows what his father was like. I heard him tell my brother he has anger issues. I don't know if I'd even say that, though. I could have called him on his birthday, I still can do that with my niece. I will. I don't know if one really has to say things to kids, do we? Just be there, I think. When I think about my aunts and uncles, I don't remember specific things they said -- it's more just like they were there, and I knew it.
I think you are in the right path by seeing a way forward both for yourself and and in relation to your niece. Also, sometimes it's important to be explicit and say whatever may be necessary. Just saying you'll be there for the people in need might be an opening they can explore in the future. Mostly, be open.
Kids are people, you definitely have to say things. The less often you see them, the more important is what you say, it's the only words they'll remember from you, and think of you based on them (source: was a kid once, had family scattered all over the world whom I rarely met).