this post was submitted on 07 Oct 2023
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We will never have as much control as we might want over the tragedies of the world. What I would suggest is for you to answer the questions you asked at least and at most once. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it.
Do it for yourself. They say writing by hand is best. What would you have done differently? What do you wish you could have done? What would you tell your nephew? What would you tell your past self?
Probably stayed a little longer, at least sat in the same room as my niece and nephew, not left to dodge the situation. Especially as they got into their teens, I feel like they had more autonomy. I know it was because of my brother, but there was part of me that just stubbornly wasn't going to entertain them because of all the hurtful things he said. I could have at least worked on overcoming that part of myself, since it ultimately wasn't their fault. It shouldn't have impacted them. It had to impact them because of my brother, but maybe not to that extent.
I'd tell him, "You know how it is," and I think he did. He was smart, and he knows what his father was like. I heard him tell my brother he has anger issues. I don't know if I'd even say that, though. I could have called him on his birthday, I still can do that with my niece. I will. I don't know if one really has to say things to kids, do we? Just be there, I think. When I think about my aunts and uncles, I don't remember specific things they said -- it's more just like they were there, and I knew it.
I think you are in the right path by seeing a way forward both for yourself and and in relation to your niece. Also, sometimes it's important to be explicit and say whatever may be necessary. Just saying you'll be there for the people in need might be an opening they can explore in the future. Mostly, be open.
Kids are people, you definitely have to say things. The less often you see them, the more important is what you say, it's the only words they'll remember from you, and think of you based on them (source: was a kid once, had family scattered all over the world whom I rarely met).