To any parents that might read this: this is why you need to be clear that you would accept them, and be explicit. "I would still accept you and love you if you were gay or trans or queer"
this post was submitted on 19 Jun 2023
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Thing is, my father was clear that he would be accepting. Not Sir eif I can trust that tho. My mum not so much
I guess what I mean to say then is that a parent should do everything they can to demonstrate that their child could really trust them in this. I totally get what you mean though, parents can often say one thing not actually expecting it to happen and then when it does get all huffy.
To clarify further: many probably do think they've done this, but don't know that their child still feels like you do, OP. I would imagine because their actions and behaviors that you've observed doesn't align with his statements?
Never noticed any actions. Hell they got me a pen with pride colors on it. Just worried because eteh whole family supports the local Christian party. Not that alternatives are any better
By local "Christian party" do you mean like the German Christian Democratic Union or are you referring to the American GOP?
Don't know. Its known as the Maltese nationalist party
Here's a line from their article:
"Factions within the Nationalist party do not tolerate LGBT rights statutes; despite this, the majority of its parliamentary group voted in favour of gay marriage in 2017. The party has become very diverse in the last few years. The party calls itself a mosaic of people and ideologies. The party recruited a non-binary member, Mark Josef Rapa, for their pro-LGBT group, FOIPN, and a transgender member, Freddie Gerada, for their youth group, Team Start. Apart from that, there is a growing number of LGBT and openly pro-choice people in the party."
Are you used to talking politics with your parents at all? It looks like the party they support has tried to make room for non binary and trans people in its tent so maybe you could try to sus out what faction they belong to?
Yea, that's the party. Not sure what to think of it. Parents talk politics sometimes
I saw your other post about religion which has got me thinking they are probably not happy with their party's move to the center over the last decade.
But hey, it could be a starting point.
There's a YouTuber, focused on the United States, But he also talks social issues and has in the past brought up gender and sexuality. His goal is to reach conservatives and help progressive people do the same. I often find watching him makes me feel better and hopeful about being able to change minds.
I've seen some people try watching a show/movie/etc that has queer rep together with their parents, to see how they react? Like "oh hey, this show is getting really good reviews right now, want to watch it?" as if it's a total coincidence there's queer rep in it. But sometimes parents react completely differently when it's their own kid, in either direction, so it's maybe not that reliable.
The TV show approach worked well for me. It was a secondary character who wasn't strictly a token, and so it was easy to bring them up in conversation without asking hard questions directly. But I was always pretty sure my family was cool.
As others have noted, I don't think you can bait any relevant information from them. And this works both ways: some people are okay with homosexuality (or whatever) in the abstract but "don't think it could happen to them," if you catch my meaning; other people, love for their relatives overcomes homophobia.
Incidentally, this was part of why Pride became what it is: since it's easier to hate Someone Else than your own family, coming out en masse forces people to confront homosexuality as a tangible rather than abstract thing, in the context of people they love.
I don't have any particular advice for you. I can only say that I don't regret having come out.
Could you frame a conversation with them as seeking advice about someone other than yourself? "One of my classmates is coming out and I want to support them, what do you recommend?"
Their reaction and advice could paint a pretty good picture without putting yourself in their crosshairs. Worst case, you can refuse to name the person and maybe get grounded for protecting someone imaginary.
But yea, that won't give you a complete answer to how they would react if their own child came out.
There’s no real way to know how they will react until you actually come out,not unless they’ve already made their position clear one way or another, and baiting them into such a discussion likely won’t produce the answers you seek.
They don't seem to be very bad. One of them is actually accepting. Its just religion is a big thing in the family. Is there any way to bait an answer?
I'm not sure how religious they are, but it's better to be safe than sorry. If you are even remotely worried, I'd prepare the following secretly,
- a go bag with clothes, supplies and extra medication
- a friend you can spend the night with
- new passwords on your email, social media, laptops and phone. Encrypt your laptop and phone.
- new bank account your parents don't know about
- cash
If possible, leave stuff like clothes and laptops at your friend's house.
I may sound paranoid, but it's one of those situations where paranoid and wrong is better than the alternative. I've seen teens (relatives) get seriously fucked over this stuff.
Parents who were seemingly open minded and rational installed spy software on their children's laptops and phone. Then they didn't allow them to go to college and they had to stay home until they "fixed their behavior". Denied access to money and jobs too.
If that's the case I'll just ditch my laptop. Have shit I can sell. Can't own a bank acc. Too young. As fory phone. I'm running grapheneos so that should be ok. Guess I'll stay in the closet for a few years. Assuming I don't stick a knife in my neck.
I have built up a reputation for being a maga but, that should help me stay closeted
If you can't open a bank account then prepaid debit cards are an option, and you can buy them with cash. You may also be able to get a PayPal or cashapp account and they both offer debit cards in the US. I don't recall if those two ask for age or an ID to verify, and venmo may also be an option but I've never used it personally.
I'd also recommend seeing what sort of laws are in your state. Do you know any family that is confirmed to be cool around "the gays"?
Also, I just really wanted to comment because i want you to know that you're not alone out there, and that theres a lot of solace you can find on spaces like these. Tumblr and Reddit were formative for me even though i began identifying as nonbinary yesrs later.
Lastly is there a Gay-Straight Alliance (or the more forward names they call em now but i forget) at your school? Joining a safe space could also help a lot in terms of mental health without necessarily coming out to your parents.
Laws are among the best in the world. No confirmed family support
School then?
School is going good, my 2 friends are supportive
What about the one who "hates" pronouns?
He's fine with lgb believes being trans is mental illness. Unaccepting of NB
😬 cringe
The "lgb" group is kidding themselves if they think by helping the right wing go after gender identity they'll be spared from the culling.
I find that with people who think like that, they can have that view softened up alot if you try and actually ask them to articulate why they think it's a mental illness, but specifically you have to act innocent about it, like you don't understand why it would be a mental illness and you'd like him to explain it to you.
Their response to that can also help inform future steps.
Its just religion is a big thing in the family
It seems you have your answer. In my experience, those who are brainwashed into hateful ideologies based on ancient mythologies are among the last to be either reasonable or accepting of others who they see as “different.” Maybe you’ll be lucky, but don’t count on the hate that is deeply instilled by religion to be overridden by something like the fact that you’re their child.
It depends a lot on the religion. A few are probably positive signs (but then you probably wouldn't be asking), many are real wildcards that are hard to generalize and some are strong negative signs.
Wish I knew. I didn't come out until I was an adult, and had moved across the country XD
Do you have any other family members you feel more confident about? Maybe they could offer some support.
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