this post was submitted on 22 Oct 2024
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Looks like my account was banned/restricted for the above interaction, have already sent the mods on world an email asking if they'd be willing to reverse that. Had an episode of psychosis a few months ago where I did say some offensive stuff, (understandably) got a 3 month ban on .lol for that, so could see my account having been flagged.

I uh, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect people to check others profiles to ensure we are correctly pronouning them… when making a throw away comment that is less than 10 words involving a ludicrously common saying. Jerboa does not show users pronouns. I could switch to an app that DOES show the pronouns, do any Lemmings have a recommendation for a free Lemmy mobile app that has that feature?

Edit: Edie chimed in, Jerboa does show pronouns. It's a formatting issue with mobile vs browser (She has them on individual text lines so they don't appear on mobile).

Was just going to respond to the user in question to let them know I wasn't purposefully trying to offend that individual, to discover I'm not able to post or make comments on world now, so figured I'd see what y'alls opinion on the matter is.

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[–] tyler@programming.dev 43 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

Doesn’t really matter here. The saying is β€œthe man, the myth, the legend”. If you go changing every part of it you might as well have not said anything at all because it won’t make any sense.

[–] shapesandstuff@feddit.org 24 points 2 weeks ago

The Ma'am the myth the legend is right there though :D

[–] thepreciousboar@lemm.ee 11 points 2 weeks ago

Agree. Some expressions become so iconic they get genderless. Just like sometimes it's accept to use "man" and "dude" as a genderless exclamation

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[–] Vanth@reddthat.com 40 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Usually when I make a mistake while trying to act in good faith, I apologize. Posting about the interaction without apology and flashing names of non-mods involved is not the way to correct your mistake, nor to garner sympathy.

[–] ToucheGoodSir@lemy.lol 13 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I did apologize to the mod I emailed. Not looking for sympathy, frankly I was more interested from a technical perspective as to why her pronouns aren't showing on Jerboa, but they were on the browser.

[–] Edie@lemmy.ml 8 points 2 weeks ago

Browsers will collapse white space, line breaks are converted to spaces.

Jerboa does not collapse white space, and instead rendered the display name with the line breaks. But, one possible reason is that, the area for usernames/display names can only display 1 line, so all of the pronouns got cut off.

[–] Vanth@reddthat.com 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

That wasn't your question though. If a technical jerboa question is what you intended to ask, about 90% of your post didn't need to be included and the question in the title needed to be very different.

As to your edit, I would not recommend PM'ing the user directly; that may be very unwelcome and further breach rules of that community. Personally, I would have asked the mods for a chance to edit my comment and apologize publicly. But with previous history of your self-described "psychosis", if I were the mod I would be skeptical of your motivations.

[–] ToucheGoodSir@lemy.lol 6 points 2 weeks ago

Ya the admin of Blajah made a solid point that I should have anonymized the post, I rarely post/comment, so not super familiar with the etiquette. Definitely will keep that in mind in the future. & hey my person, there are a lot of severe mental disorders other than gender dysphoria that exist out there :|

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[–] r00ty@kbin.life 35 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm probably a bit further to the right than most on the fediverse with this opinion but...

I think, once you have been informed of someone's pronouns, it's flat out rude to not use them. I don't know if it's a banning issue but that's for the moderators on your instance to decide or the instance the community is on. Even if you don't agree with someone's lifestyle, it's just polite to address people the way they'd like to be addressed.

But surely there's a difference between intentional misuse and accidental. I think banning someone for not looking up someone's pronouns before a public interaction seems like pushing things a bit far here. I certainly am not checking such things. But, then in general when online I will use gender neutral wording because frankly, for online interactions someone's rarely information that matters for the interaction. I don't really need to know.

My view is, I think it is almost always clear when someone is being malicious and thus transphobic and when someone makes an honest mistake/did not know better. We, as a whole, really should be differentiating between obviously malicious and non-malicious cases.

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[–] krolden@lemmy.ml 31 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Just stop using gender specific pronouns at all. Makes things much simpler

[–] borari@lemmy.dbzer0.com 13 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

This is what I try to do. This has been made slightly more difficult after β€œthey” became a pronoun in its own right. I’ve only had one person get upset by my using β€œthey” before knowing their preferred pronouns though, and when my intent was clarified it was fine. But like damn what other default pronoun exists? I guess this is what getting old feels like, it’s not like Iwant to be a boomer about this.

[–] Edie@lemmy.ml 13 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

I use they/them as a default. I'll catch myself in using them and go "wait, what is this persons pronouns" and check, on platforms like Lemmy that have it, their display name for pronouns, and if there aren't any, then bio. If neither have any pronouns I'll use they/them. If there are pronouns I will not use they/them unless listed.

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[–] juliebean@lemm.ee 7 points 2 weeks ago

i find this very easy on lemmy, in english. i'm usually talking to folks more than about them. if i do want to talk about someone, i'll check their profile, or default to 'they' if data is lacking, but it's a rare enough thing so as to be little burden.

[–] dumbass@leminal.space 26 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

You are supposed to do deep research on the person you're commenting to....

I barely even read usernames, plus Voyager App doesn't show profile bios, so even if I wanted to check their profile I can't and I'm sure as fuck not using the mobile website to get the information.

[–] PotatoesFall@discuss.tchncs.de 26 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

If somebody corrects you about gender, just say woops, correct yourself, and move on. It's an honest mistake, a simple fix, and nobody should be offended. Especially online. If they are still offended, it's because they want to be.

[–] Zagorath@aussie.zone 12 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I think the issue here is that it wasn't a case of "somebody corrects you about their gender". It was "a third unrelated person comes in and rudely yells at you that you should have already known not to use a turn of phrase".

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[–] wesker@lemmy.sdf.org 26 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Girl, you're good. It's all a simulation.

[–] The_Che_Banana 5 points 2 weeks ago

Always has been

[–] communism@lemmy.ml 26 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (2 children)

I think you shouldn't assume everyone on the internet to be a man. It is misogynistic. I don't think there would be anything wrong with e.g. referring gender neutrally to someone who turns out to be a woman because you didn't check her profile which says she's a woman, but it is annoying to see people assume everyone on the internet to be male. I've especially experienced this in more techy communities which definitely seems like sexist stereotyping to me.

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[–] ClassifiedPancake@discuss.tchncs.de 24 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I don’t think it’s necessary to check every profile for potential pitfalls when interacting with them. But honestly, in this case there is an obvious transgender flag in the profile name that should make you at least question your first assumption.

[–] ToucheGoodSir@lemy.lol 8 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

What percentage of the populace do you think knows what the transgender flag looks like? :|

[–] Nemo@slrpnk.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

The online percentage.

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[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Do trans men have a different flag?

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[–] korthrun@lemmy.sdf.org 22 points 2 weeks ago

I'm not even interested in the username of the person I'm responding to. I tend to ignore it completely unless there's a comment like "lol, username checks out".

There are very few times I will bother to check someones profile. They have to either say something so awesome that I want to see more, or have given a take so hot I want to see if they're trolling or if this is standard behaviour for them.

While it looks like the whole Jerboa/"miscommunication" thing has been sorted out here I want to chime in to say that no, I don't think that checking profiles for anything is a reasonable expectation.

[–] BCsven@lemmy.ca 18 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I never check usernames or comments. It is about the conversation at hand.

I assume sone people are sensitive of pronouns if they have transitioned or altered their pronouns, but simple catch phrases should not get you banned--if it was clearly not harrassment.

I try to be cautious of gendering and use they/them when possible, but also i feel individual people need to realize the world does not revolve around just them as an egocentric bubble, and sometime shit happens and you have to deal with your feelings about it, and either A) ask for what you need, or B) move on. Having mods protect your feelings for a perceived slight does not prepare you for the outside world of actual interaction with humans.

Again, anyone please don't take this as condoning purposeful harassment, bullying of those not in the boomer view of gender. I grew up as a cismale that did not follow the normal idea of what a boy or man is. I was the artsy, poetry type that had mostly female friends. This caused toxic males to label me gay. Cuz gay to hang out with women, LOL.

On a funny note my as a bearded man standing at the pharmacy counter, my pharmaciat called me "Sir Or Madame" as one phrase. They clearly had just taken a course on inclusivity, or have something in them that made them respond per the exact script corporate presented. There wasn't even a need to address me with an honorific, they could have just said Next, or I can help you now.

[–] tobogganablaze@lemmus.org 16 points 2 weeks ago
[–] Pandantic@midwest.social 15 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

No, if they want to be gendered appropriately, they should have it in their username.

[–] erin@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

It did. OP's client doesn't display it. It's pure miscommunication.

[–] Edie@lemmy.ml 10 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

I do! And they isn't one of them...

Besides that, I do accept that OP couldn't see my pronouns, it isn't their fault that I deliberately tried to fuck with my display name, and that their app then honours the newlines I put in there but truncates it to one line.

[–] erin@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 2 weeks ago

Apologies! I couldn't see any pronouns from the image so defaulted to gender nonspecific they. Edited.

[–] Boomkop3@reddthat.com 11 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I know that for some people it's quite a struggle. Whether it is their focus, lazyness, energy levels, unwillingness during their toilet time or something else.

So, I'd say no. That's part of why I usually just go for they/them. Just like when you don't know someone's pronouns irl

[–] 2kool4idkwhat@lemdro.id 11 points 2 weeks ago

I generally just use gender neutral language. I would check the person's bio before using a phrase like that tho, especially if they have a trans flag emoji in their name

That being said, getting banned/restricted for that comment alone seems a bit extreme to me tho

[–] flashgnash@lemm.ee 10 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Generally I wouldn't take that kind of thing too seriously from hexbears they love conflict and actively seek it out

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[–] SparrowHawk@feddit.it 9 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

Just be more careful with gendered language. Also, the trans flag was right there

[–] ToucheGoodSir@lemy.lol 13 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

I did not know that was the trans flag. Appreciate ya letting me know >_<

β€œThe them, the myth… the X”. Forsure, that does seem more meme anyways.

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[–] Boomkop3@reddthat.com 9 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

Maybe a stupid question, but how do I tell from the flag whether that's a trans fem or trans masc?

[–] Hjalamanger@feddit.nu 4 points 2 weeks ago

You don't but you'll know that it probably matter that you get it right

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[–] BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz 9 points 2 weeks ago

Nah it can’t be expected

[–] BlastboomStrice@mander.xyz 8 points 2 weeks ago

I personally try to avoid gendered language, but if I do use it, I tend to check their profile-bio :)

[–] Fidel_Cashflow@lemmy.ml 7 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

yes, it takes 2 seconds and minimal effort.

[–] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Whatever your thoughts on the original situation, you know her pronouns now, and you've directly reposted the thing that got you banned. This time around, you don't have an excuse. You know that it's an issue, but you didn't anonymise the post, effectively sharing the misgendering with even more people

[–] crapwittyname@lemm.ee 10 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

The misgendering, and the fact that it was accidental, is the point of the post. If anything OP is sharing her correct gender with "even more people", and creating a discussion where we can think about how to stop this happening in future both to this individual, and on Lemmy in general. Why would you want to shut that down?

[–] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

It could easily have been anonymised. The conversation can happen without misgendering someone a second time around.

Literally just edit the person's name out of the image, and boom, same discussion, but this time without repeating the same mistake

[–] ToucheGoodSir@lemy.lol 6 points 2 weeks ago

You are correct I should have anonymized the post, will keep that in mind in the future.

[–] wesker@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

I don't necessarily agree with your previous message, but I do agree it's a bit unfair to include the identity of the person who was misgendered in this post. It isn't even a guarantee that they were the person who took serious issue with what OP said. They may not have even reported OP. So it seems unfair to call them out, even if the intent was to provide context.

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[–] Sasha@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

That's a pretty reasonable misunderstanding, I don't speak for anyone but myself but generally as long as there's no malice involved I'm not upset by an accidental misgendering.

I'm on jerboa too and didn't even know there were specific pronouns on accounts, I just chucked mine in my bio.

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[–] chillBurner@lemmy.ml 6 points 2 weeks ago

Uh, yes, but its a mutual misunderstanding from both sides...

[–] apotheotic 5 points 2 weeks ago

Its an honest mistake and I think if you appealed the ban you'd have a good case for it, however as you now know that's the trans flag you can be more mindful in future :)

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