Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.
I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)
Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.
I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can't.
I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.
I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.
I don't think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.
I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn't be.
Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
Thanks
(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)
Morning after post edit:
Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn't let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn't stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.
Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.
2.5 days after post edit:
Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.
All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. ๐ค
All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.
I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don't need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. ๐ (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)
What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line "I want breasts" and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.
I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.
Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.
Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. ๐
(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)
P.s. Still cis though (jk)
Hi friend!
I see a lot of my younger self in your post, if that helps at all.
I came out in my late 30's, after living life relatively comfortably as a guy (at least by outward appearances. By the time I came out I was starting to be a bit of a wreck inside.)
There were similar feelings and thoughts to what you describe. Often looking at women and thinking "goddamn, why do they get to look so pretty and I'm stuck like this?" or wishing I could have the same kind of fashion choices available that they do. I didn't spend any time watching trans porn content, but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of "forcing" that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me. After a while, it wasn't even the smutty parts I was looking for -- they were fun, but I'd often skip over them to get to the next bit of plot so I could get that vicarious thrill.
By all outward appearances, I was a happy, regular dude -- a relatively successful one at that. I was married, had a dog and a house and a good relationship with my parents and a decent job and group of friends. And I could have probably kept living that way for longer, if I had to. But it ate me up inside. Once I had the thoughts you're having now, it got worse for me; I realized that what I was dealing with might be gender-related and might be dysphoria.
I pushed it away then. I thought "I can't have that, I'd lose everything I care about, all that stuff I worked so hard for." I stuffed it down and pretended I didn't feel it and, for a time, it went away. At first those feelings went away, for months even. But eventually, they came back, and when they did, I'd struggle with them. I'd get down in the dumps for a day or two before I could push it back down and away again. Turns out that it was a repeating cycle for me, each time they'd come back more quickly, and each time the feelings would hit me harder and stronger and I'd be stuck with them for longer before I could finally dispel them. The last time it did that I was depressed for a month or more, to the point that my wife started seriously worrying and told me that she felt almost like she didn't know who I was anymore, that she couldn't recognize what I was thinking or feeling and she was scared.
A week or two later I came out to her as maybe non-binary or genderfluid. Another week or two later I started therapy. Within a month, I'd accepted that yes, I'm trans, and I need to transition if I want a shot at being happy.
Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to say is don't let it get as far along as I did. You're having these thoughts and questions, they're okay to have. This isn't something to feel shameful about. Seek out a good therapist that specializes in gender identity, and talk to them about it. Maybe try new pronouns out in a small, safe group. Explore, and see what feels right for you. You'll be okay. :)
That actually hits for me too. I have never been one for reading books, so I do have a preference for comic form.
An no worries for any rambling, I felt my post was kind of all over while yours is well written and easy to follow.
I appreciate you sharing.
Edit: I have actually thought about something from my past. I think it may have been the first time any potential trans thoughts I might have had. (WAY before I would have ever known anything about trans people.)
I remember being kind of fascinated by a TV episode where a guy was transformed into a woman. I am pretty sure after being changed they went and did stuff with maybe their wife. Pretty sure this included bikini waxes. I so wish I could remember what show it was.
This would have been before puberty, so I don't think sexual desire would have been a major factor. So I believe it was more of a social desire? Not really sure how I should say that.
Anyway, there is another ramble for the conversation. Xp
No worries, I was picking up what you're saying just fine :)
Also, just because there's a sexual aspect to these thoughts doesn't necessarily mean you're a chaser or it's a fetish. A good exercise might be to ask yourself if you'd prefer to be a woman in mundane, non-sexual situations. How does it sound to be a woman doing her taxes, or a woman arguing with the phone company, or a woman commuting to work, for example.
I do want to say, just because I see some of your story in mine doesn't necessarily mean you're trans. It doesn't mean anything other than I can relate to what you've said so far. The best thing you can do is continue to reflect, and maybe seek outside help in the form of therapy to help you work through these feelings and decide what to do next. A therapist won't (shouldn't, at least) tell you if you're trans or not, but they can help you examine these thoughts and feelings and hopefully give you some clarity so you can decide what, if anything, is your next step.
As a warning, I do feel that there's a bit of a pushiness within the trans communities, and certainly it's not something I'm immune to. We see someone who sounds like our younger eggy selves, and we think "I can help them!" In our eagerness to help someone the way that we might not have had help, we could potentially end up pushing someone towards something that's not right for them. It's why I strongly recommend therapy -- a therapist should be more impartial, and help you draw your own conclusions instead of coming in with their own bias. So please, take what you read here with the understanding that in the end, you're the only person who can truly know what your identity is.