Have you ever stepped on someone's foot? It happens. They might get angry, it's understandable. Just an accident, not your intention, but your fault nonetheless. Keep this in mind.
I'll be using transphobia in this conversation, because I'm here and the discussion that moved me to write, but I learned the concepts from talks about racism and it applies to many similar situations.
What I am doesn't matter right now. It's not about about me, right? I'll open up the most targetable part of myself though: my inner thoughts. Particularly my musings about gender, which are relatively recent (I'm 39). Nothing specific, just the possibility that they might be transphobic.
That idea was something I feared and worried about a lot. In open discussions, I'm always careful with my words, but I had private doubts for a long time that seemed ugly, plain and simple. Was I transphobic in the past? Most likely. Am I still transphobic on some level? I don't know. I don't want to be, and that's the point.
We are all living our lives the only way we know how to. Sometimes accidents happen, people get hurt, we make things right. Sometimes the way we live our lives mean that we are stepping on people by design. It might still not be our intention, it is still our fault and the fact it's not an accident anymore will mess with our minds when we realize that.
So, again, I don't want to be transphobic. That's not what I believe or how I live my life. Again, my intentions don't matter if what I do hurt or endanger others in any way. I believe I can only say I'm not transphobic if I do the work not to be. If I accept my thoughts, words and actions can be transphobic, and that they are mistakes to be corrected. Being transphobic is about how I can negatively affect trans people, regardless of how I see myself or believe I'm doing the right thing. It's about them, not me.
I ask that you look at the other person or group when you are in an argument, or just out in the world. See how your actions affect them. See if you care enough to do something about it. And, if you find out you don't want to change, try accepting who you are, accepting any disgust you might feel without reinterpreting yours or other people's reality.
edit: It was a mistake going with figurative language here in an discussion that intended to be inclusive. I know better. Also, I wanted people to see that the subject of the action is not always the important part. When there are victims, their point of view should be the one validated first, they should the ones we make sure are all right before we decide to seek punishment. And I don't know if this will help, but the imperfect parallel with racism that came to mind was societal racism.
I definitely agree that you can't change your ideas if you're not willing to examine them. It seems to be quite common for people to hold, for example, racist or transphobic ideas, but to be unwilling to examine those ideas because they don't believe that they themselves as a person are racist or transphobic.
The thought process basically goes: I don't have active hate in my heart for X group, so my ideas about them cannot be problematic.
Basically it's an error of attribution. They believe that bigotry is primarily or exclusively an active attribute of a person that's essential to their Identity rather than potentially an attribute of ideas that a person might come to believe. Because the emphasis is on them as a person in their minds and they don't want to be seen as 'bad', they become defensive and avoid examining the problematic nature of their own ideas.
However, if they're not laboring under this delusion, they can actually examine their ideas freely and be prepared to abandon them. Then instead of making it about themselves and fighting to protect their self-image, they're able to call out and adjust their own views and behavior.
In the end it's the person who's willing to see their own behavior as bigoted who is able to change that behavior. And in the one that isn't, their anxiety about being seen as discriminatory becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they treat their current collection of ideas as sacred.
Thank you for this comment. It's a very clean explanation.