I'm in a similar situation.
I tell myself I'm acting out of self-preservation, but it's really just fear. I don't have the courage to face the shit that happens to out trans people.
I do think that fear is justified given my specific situation, and I do think that if I can somehow manage not to go off the deep end for the next few... yearsπ« ... I have a chance of getting myself into a safer and less scary situation, where I can hopefully start to live as myself.
...except I could be wrong - I could die tomorrow anyway, or the safety I'm seeking could cease to exist soon, or maybe I'll just never find what I'm looking for unless I ignore my fear and dive headfirst into the unknown.
It's hard. And I don't have the answers. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. (And I felt less alone thanks to your rant, so don't apologize.)
Unfortunately we are social creatures with a need for acceptance and belonging. We can survive without those things, but it isn't really living. Take it from someone who spent most of their life living like a hermit.
Having someone recognize your gender is one of the most basic kinds of acceptance. Social interactions tend to feel pretty hollow and superficial when you know that the other person doesn't know/care who you really are. (Again, ask me how I know π)