Asklemmy

Honestly, I think that if I would say "my pronouns are he/him", people would think that's a weird thing to say and would think something like "oh, it's one of those woke people".

Where I live, the people that tell you about their pronouns are a minority, and they are usually people that need to tell you their pronouns to avoid confusion, or people that are particularly active in the "woke" community.

For 99% of the people you meet, it's fair to assume pronouns because it's obvious. And if your assumption was wrong, they can just tell you. No need to get butthurt over it.

Saying "my pronouns are..." without anyone asking for them is just ridiculous in my opinion. Like, what are people going to say 5 years from now? "My name is ...., my pronouns are ..., my ethnicity is ..., I live in ... and my favorite color is ...."?

What a dumb way to start a conversation. You know, the whole point of a conversation is that you ask and answer questions, or share things you like to share. We don't need to share everything in the introduction sentence, including pronouns. It's just pointless most of the time.

To be clear: if anyone wants to tell me their pronouns right away, all good, I won't dislike you for it. Just don't expect the same from me, just assume my pronouns and I'll be happy to correct you on the off chance that you're wrong.

Cis allies usually put pronouns in their bios to show support and normalize the act itself of specifying then online. IRL since you are cis and I asume you look masculine there is no need to specify your pronouns.

Just whenever you meet someone and they tell you to talk to them in a specific way, just do it and respect their pronouns. Its easy. Most people dont care if you get it wrong the first times as long as you acknowledge your mistake and correct yourself, your brain will get used to it and you will not make the mistake later. That's the different between someone who is learning and an idiot purposefully misgendering someone.

BTW if you arent sure about someone elses pronouns, just ask them. Easy.

People who actually care about pronouns will tell you theirs.

Mostly it's chill - don't worry about it. If you make an honest mistake, no sane person will think less of you for it. The real faux pas people keep running into is usually just being a cock about this. It's reasonably easy to avoid.

You likely don't need to tell anyone IRL. You're a guy, so he/him is natural. Nobody's likely to even ask. Same applies if it's obvious online, otherwise feel free to add it in your profile or something.

And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out ? Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?

Most people are cis (etc) anyway, so the obvious guess is mostly safe. You rarely need to refer to anyone by a pronoun before they're introduced to you. In that case it's "they" - perfectly normal, native English for centuries, which people sometimes forget. Then, if someone's introduced as "Bob" he's probably fine with "he" etc.

If you're worried about getting it wrong, I'd just wait for a name or refer to them some other way.

I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?

IRL that's unlikely, neopronouns are pretty niche even on the internet. He/she/they will do in the vast majority of cases. People who insist on one of the other ones are fairly rare.

Outside the internet no-one really cares. Inside the Internet only certain bubbles care.

Yes, your pronouns are he/him :)

Generally, people are pretty chill about it. If you are unsure how to refer to someone, you can always just call them by their first name or something else (the barista at the front counter, the person in the yellow sweater, etc!)

I wouldn't overthink it, most people are totally cool if you get it wrong, especially if you show a willingness to get it right from then on. Queer people just wanna be treated like everyone else :)

-queer guy living in the gay district

I’m just a straight male. Are my pronouns he/him?

Probably. Straight is the wrong word here - that refers to your sexuality, not your gender identity. A straight male is into women. But a straight male could also have pronouns other than he/him. Usually, a cisgender male uses he/him pronouns, but not always. Cisgender is a word that means that your gender identity matches your assigned gender at birth - e.g. not transgender

Is that how I should tell people?

Yes, the best way to do it is part of your introductions, like, “Hi, I’m Blake, my pronouns are he him”. Usually people don’t “say” the slash, it’s just a space, but you can say it if you want.

Do you actually tell them as you meet them ?

It’s up to you. If I am meeting someone 1:1 for the first time, I probably wouldn’t unless they did first. I always do it when I’m introducing myself to a group.

Do I have to wait for a certain social cue ?

The only social cue is simply, “what are your pronouns?”. Ideally, we (cisgender folk) should be trying to make it easier for transgender/non-binary people by sharing our pronouns, even if they would be obvious to most people - I’m a hairy, 6’4” bear, most people can tell I identify as male, but if I say my pronouns are he/him or any/all pronouns (I don’t mind which pronouns people use for me) it makes it less awkward for trans people or gender non-conforming (GNC) folk to do so.

How about online. Should I tell people or have it on my personal profile somewhere?

It’s up to you, nobody will expect it from you - it’s personal information after all. If you’re comfortable sharing it, then you can put it anywhere you like, including on your profile, or you can share at the point it becomes relevant.

And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out?

Either they tell you, or you ask them! It’s better if you avoid trying to guess. If you need to use a pronoun and you haven’t been told them, go with they/them.

Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ?

Nope, not at all! No one is expecting you to know their pronouns before they tell you, or you ask.

Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?

Usually not - most of the time, you probably can guess from gender expression, and you wouldn’t cause any offence. If there is even 1% doubt in your mind though, you should definitely just ask. Even if you’re 99.99% or even 100% sure, it’s good to ask anyways. The more we normalise people asking and sharing pronouns, the less awkward it becomes for everyone!

I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?

In my experience, it’s pretty uncommon, but it does exist. Usually they’re used by people who don’t really feel comfortable identifying as exclusively male or exclusively female, or by people who want to subvert or oppose the usual gender binary.

Hope this helps, thanks for being open with your questions and for trying to make the world a better place! If you have any other questions just ask.

I wouldn't ask someone their pronouns as a conversation opener because it makes some folks uncomfortable. For example a trans person might wonder something like "Do they ask that of everybody? Do I not pass?" if "passing" is something they care about.

It's better to just correct mistakes when you make them. It's also just something you'll pick up automatically talking with people they know, and like here where the hypothetical person's pronouns are ambiguous you can fall back to they. And when taking to the person themselves you are going to be using you anyway.

Pronouns are largely used to refer to people in the third person. As such I will never declare my pronouns because they aren't for me to use, they're for other people to use to refer to me. As such they should use whatever pronouns deliver maximal clarity for the listener.

I will respect others' pronoun preferences because I'm not an asshole, but when people start trying to tell me that I'm being bigoted by not stating my own pronouns, they can fuck off.

Your pronouns are whatever you would like to be referred to. Generally someone would either correct you or you would hear the right ones during conversation to learn someone else's. If they outwardly present as a specific gender then I would normally assume (or default to they/them) and just apologize and correct if someone corrects me. Most normal people will take such an interaction in stride without further thought.

In terms of online, people often add it to their profile so you know, or to indicate to others that you respect their choice of pronouns.

I too, am a straight male. It's actually pretty easy.

It might be a bit of a faux pas when addressing someone as he/him when they prefer something else. Simply, if the mistake is made, they'll correct your assumption (I'm sure they get it all the time, it's not that big of a deal), and tell you their pronouns. Then it's your task, socially, to respect their wish to be referred to by their pronouns. It might seem awkward to refer to someone directly as "they" or "them", but it is grammatically correct, it just sounds awkward to our brains because it's so rarely used as a singular direct pronoun.... direct in the way that you're talking to, or in the presence of that person... but it's perfectly fine and preferred by your friend/colleague/acquaintance or whatever.

For yourself, if you're commonly and most comfortably referred to as he/him, then you have two options: 1. ignore it, and people will assume, or 2. put "he/him" in things like your bio/email signature/about me pages and leave it at that. It doesn't require qualification or context, like "my pronouns are" or something like that, just "he/him" alone in your bio is enough to let people know what you are comfortable with.

Personally, I don't do anything, I let people assume, because I'm unbothered if someone refers to me as he/him/she/her/they/them. All pronouns for me are fine. I'm most commonly referred to as he/him because it's the historically "correct" pronouns, but pronouns are more or less irrelevant to me.

And yes, people do, in fact, prefer they/them. I've met a few, and it feels awkward at first to say "they"/"them", but you get used to it.

Watch Princess Bride. Perfect that "as you wish". With genuine sincerity.

Perfect. You've had a fun movie experience (Inconceivable!) and you now know the perfect way to respond to someone who has asked you or corrected you regarding pronouns.

I don’t tell people my pronouns. I’m male. I look male. I act male.

I appreciate when people are questionable or want to use different pronouns tell.

I equally appreciate when people don’t ask mine.

I think at some point language as a whole will shift. Most languages have had a concept of masculine/feminine and differentiating between genders for most if not all of their history. This seems pretty weird as a concept in modern times since it serves no real benefit. If we were to develop a language from scratch today I don’t think it would have such features.

Its going to take a pretty long time (hundreds of years) but language is constantly evolving. I think it will get there. In the meantime things are going to remain at least a little confusing.

I have a few transgender friends and its still a bit if a mental hurdle to see them as who they want to be identified as sometimes. I sometimes slip up and will call them by their old name or use the wrong pronoun. It’s never intentional of course, but sometimes my mental auto-correct isn’t working at full capacity. If I meet the person post-transition then its never really a problem as I always see them as that gender.

Getting someone's pronouns wrong once really isn't too big of a deal. What's more important is how you react to being corrected and using what they ask you to going forward.

I still don't know a good way to ask people their pronouns. Or rather I haven't had to do it often so I don't have much practice still so I still feel weird. Sometimes I get nervous that asking someone their pronouns might even make them feel like they don't pass as the gender they want to present as. I've talked about this with people and the advice I've been given is that the best way to do it is to introduce yourself with your own pronouns. I still haven't really had much opportunity to do it so not sure how to make it flow conversationally but the idea is that you're giving everyone the opportunity to do the same plus it lets them know that you won't react poorly to hearing someone tell you their pronouns.

I've really only met one person who prefers they/them and a couple of she/they folks. The trans people I have met all pass well enough in my brain that I don't have to consciously try to use the correct pronoun. It just takes some effort to get used to.

Back in, say, 2016 or so there was a meme about "did you just assume my gender?" It was always a caricature and it seems like most people either want you to assume it or are okay if you get it wrong so long as you correct yourself once they correct you.

Honestly, just try and avoid aggressively using gendered pronouns as the default. It's not the end of the world if you do, but if you just stick with using they/them and names until you've had a chance to pick up on the social cues, you'll be fine. And if it's in a situation where no one knows anyone else, and where the social cues aren't giving you the answer, then yeah, that's the time to lead with your name and pronouns.

But none of it's a big issue. Trans folk feel it when you get it wrong. We notice, but we also understand that sometimes mistakes happen, especially in a society that has taught everyone to associate pronouns and assumed gender. What's important isn't that you get it right every time, what's important is that you pay attention when you get it wrong, and do your best to get it right from then on.

I find the use of the term guys exclusive.

I’m just a straight male. Are my pronouns he/him?

If you want them to be.

Is that how I should tell people? Do you actually tell them as you meet them ? Do I have to wait for a certain social cue ?

A decent social cue to use would be if someone has mistakenly used one of the 'default' pronouns (he/him or she/her). Just be polite and understanding about it.

And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out ? Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?

You don't know what you don't know. The only people who would give you shit before you could have reasonably known would be, frankly, someone looking for drama/a fight. Treat those people accordingly.

I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?

It is worth keeping in mind that we are talking about a relatively small crowd of people that identify as non-binary or use non-standard pronouns. It is pushed mainly because it prevents exclusion for these people and honestly it costs nothing anyway.

It's also handy for the trans crowd, as although they may use standard pronouns, they might not be the ones they currently appear as.

Personally, I use they/them until told otherwise. It makes sure I don't offend anyone that way.

If I've never heard anyone else use a specific pronoun for someone new or I otherwise don't know, I try to use they/them. Otherwise I use what others do.

And if someone does let you know that a person/themselves prefer a specific one, always say thanks (you can't be sorry for something you didn't know!) and do your best to remember for next time.

I also try to use genderless terms like "folks" or just "everyone" instead of "guys"

answering your questions as best I can (I'm a straight male too) in order:

1. if he/him seems right to you, then your pronouns are he/him. if other pronouns seem right to you, then your pronouns are those pronouns. pronouns don't have to match up with your gender or presentation, go with whatever you vibe with
2. when meeting new people, I give my name and pronouns. "hi, my name is salarua and my pronouns are he/him." of course, it's nice to give your pronouns when asked, but other than that it's up to you
3. just including your pronouns in your profile is good. some people put them in their nicks, some in their bio or about me. if you have a Mastodon, Akkoma, Misskey, or Firefish account you can put your pronouns in your custom fields
4. you can try and figure out other people's pronouns from how other people refer to them. many people will also give their pronouns if you introduce yourself with your pronouns. it's not a faux pas to not know someone's pronouns beforehand, although I admit I don't know a non-awkward way to ask someone their pronouns
5. a good bet is to refer to people whose pronouns you don't know as they/them. if you mispronoun someone by mistake, quietly correct yourself and continue with whatever you're saying. "so after arriving at the office, he- sorry, they went to go see their supervisor about the presentation..." as long as it's not done out of malice, people don't mind being mispronouned if you acknowledge the slip-up and move on
6. I haven't met anyone irl with neopronouns either. presumably people with neopronouns would go by them if they were among people they felt safe with. unfortunately most of the world isn't safe :(

I hate you

Pronouns are just your preference for what you should be referred to. If you don't provide them people will assume. The logic is that if only people who want to use specific pronouns suggest them, you are essentially outing yourself so even if you associate with your birth pronouns, it's polite to present them so it's less awkward for others.

The actual use is more awkward. The expected use is that you use it when the person in question is discussed but a pronoun isn't really used unless that person is not around so again it seems to just be a polite way to present yourself.

For added context a good use case of announcing pronouns would be a research paper where someone would be described to another person Edit: Ive been made aware about another obvious use case. Talking to people online where you might not have a way to identify any other way