Casual Conversation

Also i guess i can't say I'm the "only one" since 90% of people don't do this but you only remember the ones that do I guess.

You're definitely not the only one, since you're not gonna notice the other people keeping it to themselves, because they'll be keeping it to themselves.

That said, some people just... Don't. And learning that level of self-control is hard. If you don't have the skill, feelings can seem uncontrollable and inevitable. Confronting such a person with a request that they do something (control themselves) you know is possible, but they think isn't, often leads to bad results. Instead, you need to trick them into learning the art. That is, if they aren't so bad they straight up need anger management classes.

Apologizing after the fact is something we who actively consider others, and think about what the world is like for people other than ourselves, do naturally. But some people completely lack internal thoughts concerning anyone aside from themselves.

It doesn't automatically mean they are selfish (though it often coincides with that) but it does mean someone might have to remind them that they owe you or someone else a courtesy, because otherwise they simply won't realize.

People tend to react better if you ask them to apologize to someone else, than if you ask them apologize to you. If a person like this was difficult with someone else, too, you might first suggest to them that they give them and apology, instead of you. "Hey, I know you didn't mean that outburst, but I think it really bothered insert person, you should say something to take it back." You might not get an apology out of them for yourself this way, but it will put the thought in their heads, that when they lose control, they will cause lingering feelings that will need addressing afterwards.

Some will react badly even then, insisting the insulted party needs to "grow a pair, and shrug it off, it's not like I meant it". They're not necessarily a lost cause, they might still mull it over and experience guilt they might not have had you said nothing. I once successfully made this point to my mother. Instead of apologizing to me, she was telling me I can't take every word she says to heart, she'll say hurtful things when angry, but not really mean them. To this I responded, that she is my mother. To me, her words feel like truth, even when I know they aren't, because I love and respect her too much to just shrug off what she said.

If the person being difficult is normally very pleasant, or in a respected position, you might make a similar argument.

Personally, when people seem out of control for reasons unrelated to me, I will literally say that, out loud. Something like "You are being difficult/rude/loud for some reason, we can't talk like this, we should resume this conversation after you take a moment". But this is tricky if it's someone I'm supposed to defer to, rather than the other way around.

If they don't take that que to apologize once they're back to being cordial, I might comment something like "I know I wasn't the reason you got mean, but I'd still like to hear you confirm that you didn't intend it".

Once you start getting apologies, you might start having conversations about not taking it out on people in the first place, these conversations (and any real talk, really) need to take place while the person is calm, and likely to actually think about what you're saying. Again, don't present something they might feel is an impossible task, frame it so that it's something they'll feel is doable. Suggest they find an alternate way to deal with the feelings, that doesn't target a person, but make sure to mention you don't know exactly how that's done. You might mention stuff that works for you, for reference, but ultimately it's a skill every person kinda has to figure out for themselves.

Or go to therapy, for.

I can relate to that. I have bad days too, though I don't "take it out" on people. The most that might happen is a tonal change. I notice I don't even change vocabulary (e.g. a bitter "what" over a polite "yes"). And it makes me wonder because I live in a very neurodivergent society and overly expressive responses are a stereotype of that, but it's always the neurotypicals I know who allow things like that to wander out of their context.

I feel like this sometimes when I can't extricate myself from a situation. It’s sort of like pushing people away. Maybe your coworkers feel the same way? It’s not cool. Everyone has their limits, but you shouldn’t have to deal with that at work. Do they ever seem to regret it? If they don’t apologize or try to prevent the outbursts, maybe you should bring it up to management?

I think one of the most informative features of one's personality is how they handle setbacks. Nobody's perfect but I think an adult should be able to control the expression of their emotions. Something like getting angry at a game and screaming at it let alone throwing the controller is a huge red flag for me. I can't think of a situation where letting anger take control of you has ever produced a better outcome compared to staying calm unless you're literally in a fight.

I don't know if it's my experience with meditation or what but I see anger as such a powerful emotion that it pretty much cannot sneak up on me. The first moment something anger inducing happens to me it's like an alarm that goes off inside my head telling me to play close attention to how I'm going to react. Something like annoyance on the other hand is much more sneaky and has significantly higher chance of poisoning my mind before I detect it.

It’s more a reflection on them than you but don’t put up with it. People will treat you like a doormat, doesn’t mean you need to be rude back but firmly tell them that you are not a punching bag and that you won’t be listening to them anymore. Probably best to avoid speaking with them unless it’s purely work related and any bad reaction can be reported to management. If it’s not dealt with do what you can to get out of there.