this post was submitted on 09 May 2024
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I'm falling for a long-distance "bad boy trying to turn good" who has PTSD and traumatic family/past, afraid of it possibly being mistake but I'm not ready to let go: What should I do?? Please help! (self.asklemmy)
submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by appledinosaurcat to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml
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Please read post for full context and be kind with me. Any help/input will be appreciated!

We met on a dating app several months ago during a hectic time for me but I wanted to ease back into dating after a bad break-up. Witty banter right away with us via text. He was a breath of fresh air, direct and candid especially when it came to the most dark and traumatic topics. Something about the way he texted me made him stand out and made me feel something. However, I had qualms because as much as I find a "bad boy" thrilling, I can't say he's my go-to type. He has been through more than anyone should in an entire lifetime: divorce and drug addictions run in the family, absent biological dad and malicious step-dad, grieving many losses, PTSD, and he himself was an alcoholic who tried various hard drugs for some time (he says no longer the case). He had to care for his siblings and be the bread winner early on. It's not that I ever want to be judgmental or prejudiced, but I can't help feeling at least somewhat anxious and afraid of making another dating mistake, this time with a man who's already endured such complex pain. I am not sure if we are trauma-bonding, but I'm so scared if it is, as we've also already talked about my own parents' dynamic (not the "normal" happy relationship either) and losing friends who couldn't see the light.

With all this darkness, why do I feel so attracted? It's how he has dealt with all of the setbacks, and the way he's said things on his own accord that heal the most painful parts of my prior relationship with a narcissist. How he cared for his family, looked for his father, got past addiction. He consistently tells me the sweetest things and has already started calling me loving names whereas my ex refused to even months after becoming official, already asking me my birthday and wanting to make it special whereas my ex ignored me completely the day of my bday causing the breakup. He remembers the little things and is proactive with the big things - we've talked about our long distance, religion, politics, kids, hypothetical trips/travel. I've been love-bombed before, gaslighted, tricked, mocked, neglected. But I do not think he is love-bombing or desperate. He does double-text often and reply immediately each time, but does that necessarily label him "clingy" or that he just simply likes me? In the past, I wished my ex did that more.

I'm also drawn to his maturity. I wasn't ready for his all-in mentality when we first met, so I actually had to step back, and he was sad but respectful of my decision. I had no idea but he recently told me it took him weeks to get over me, but that he never completely did. He sent a one-word text a month ago before moving to another state hoping to update me or even maybe meet for the first time in person. I was overwhelmed by everything on my plate and recently responded; now we're texting nonstop and having calls for hours, letting it unfold naturally. He's already told me he's going exclusive with me and was sweet about me pulling away the first time. He said long distance may actually benefit us (I don't think he means opportunity to cheat, but more so because I'm also moving within my current state and will need to be extremely busy which he seems okay with) and that I'm the only person he would move back for. We've openly discussed my trust issues and his fear around marriage but that he truly wants to settle down/have kids. We're in the process of seeing when we can at least meet in person soon.

So taking all this in, I have questions for you all. Does he seem genuine in what he says and his intentions? Does he need too much self-work before entering a relationship? Is his past alarming or any red flags relating to his experiences? Are we trauma-bonding or am I overthinking/letting my own insecurities get in the way? How can we make long distance work when it's starting off this way and even if he moves, I'm apprehensive about balancing everything with my intense new career role? During long distance, I won't have much time to spare for visits until next year (but can meet up this summer) so should we keep it an open relationship or no label, even though that could bother me as I'd prefer exclusivity? Then again, we've both been searching for the right person and if not now, when? It may always feel like it's not a good time because it's always busy. Also, about trauma-bonding, aren't we all bonding over some sort of shared trauma or struggle in order to build a deeper connection

Edit: Do any of your answers change if his PTSD is from serving as a veteran, not family related abuse (as far as he knows)?

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[–] frustrated_phagocytosis@fedia.io 36 points 6 months ago (2 children)

Never ever date someone who's not done getting their shit together. Like dating fellow addicts in rehab, it can only end badly. You want a partner, not a project. You wanna feel like you're his mom and still have to fuck him? No.

[–] Admetus@sopuli.xyz 4 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

The fact that OP is asking for support/help and this guy looks like he's a project that needs endless support tells me they're not a good match.

The long distance part is a bit of a message from reality to sort of say: 'Stay apart please...(for your own good, but if you won't listen that is fine by me, go spend a few years of your life learning what I meant)'

[–] uhmbah@lemmy.ca 3 points 6 months ago

This.

[–] gregorum@lemm.ee 34 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

When the red flag parade comes to town, that’s the signal to leave.

When you’ve already dodged 1000 bullets, why dodge more?

He’s told you he’s just the worst. Why do you need more convincing?

GET OUT!

[–] appledinosaurcat 6 points 6 months ago

Red flag parade lol! But yes very true, I think poor guy knows it too and is really trying to turn it around. I literally told him I'm not sure if it's my trust issues or he's a walking red flag, and he took it very well. That's also why I'm attracted I think, he is so sweet after all he's been through. But reading everyone's warnings was a wake-up call and made me feel bad and questioning myself for feeling attracted to him. Thank you so much

[–] Nemo@midwest.social 25 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Girl, no. I don't know anything about you and I know you deserve better.

[–] appledinosaurcat 3 points 6 months ago

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear it and hope I can see that more myself soon.

[–] circuscritic@lemmy.ca 25 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

Look, the worst that could happen is that he murders you, but honestly, he probably won't.

It's more likey he'll probably just wear you down emotionally until you support him financially, while he stays at home and takes out credit cards under your name.

On the plus side, I bet he'll fuck like a racehorse on the rare days when he isn't too dipped, or shit faced.

Edit: Just noticed you added that he's a veteran with PTSD, and yes, that changes my answer: he will probably murder you.

Not just because he's a veteran with PTSD, but because he's clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma.

Most likely outcome: strangulation.

[–] Aussiemandeus@aussie.zone 3 points 6 months ago

Yeah first line hahaha

[–] appledinosaurcat 2 points 6 months ago

Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you're being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.

I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it's not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex's hands on my neck, he straight up said: "I want to SUFFOCATE you". No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn't even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn't a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.

I'm not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman's lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone's life is what gets you going, that's your choice and a different story entirely. I'm just saying it'd be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven't even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.

I'll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? "Everyone" else does it therefore you should too?

PS: I'm not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.

[–] Lettuceeatlettuce@lemmy.ml 12 points 6 months ago (1 children)

The fact that you're asking other people about this while being so concerned about all the red flags, is itself a red flag.

Think about it this way: If I wanted you to invest in some company, but I prefaced it with a long list of reasons why the company was really risky and not a wise choice to invest in, would you still invest your life savings into it?

I've known several people, men and women who dated somebody similar to your description, a tortured soul/bad boy or girl that was trying to get better. Do you know how many of them it worked out for? Zero, a zero percent success rate. Worse yet, all of them were hurt in the end by that person. It caused trauma, heartache, and in some cases, straight up abuse.

You shouldn't get into a relationship with somebody who's not fully healed. It is absolutely possible for people to heal from severe trauma and life circumstances, I've seen it happen. But until that happens, you shouldn't get into a relationship with them. It's a bad idea for both parties.

If they get therapy, work on themselves, become established, fix their issues, heal their wounds, and are like that for years consistently, then you can think about dating them. If they are truly on the right path, they will be completely fine with it working out or not at that time down the road.

If they aren't alright with that, then it is a confirmation that they aren't actually healed because they aren't healthy enough to accept that happening. A mature and well-adjusted person is patient enough to wait, and mature enough to accept that different people's lives sometimes go in different directions.

TL;DR Don't do it. You almost certainly will end up hurt, worse off, and possibly even abused. You might also ruin their healing process unintentionally too.

[–] appledinosaurcat 3 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can't subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It's too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

[–] Lettuceeatlettuce@lemmy.ml 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Not really, accept that he definitely needs professional therapy from a licensed personal who is experienced dealing with that specific form of PTSD.

Remember, you aren't his therapists, nor can you ever be, and trying to fill that role won't be good for either person.

I had to learn this the hard way with a friend of mine who grew up with a very rough childhood. Lots of deep trauma, some pretty horrible stuff. I was trying to act like their therapist without intending it, and they started unintentionally treating me like a therapist.

It caused a lot of problems in our friendship and almost ended it actually. I had to eventually tell them, "I care about you, but I'm not your therapist, and I can't ever be your therapist. You need professional help to deal with your trauma."

Lots of space, no even hints of a relationship for a long time, (years). It takes a long time to heal from that level of trauma, and there isn't anything wrong with that. If at the end of all that, he's truly a new person, fully healed, and there is still a potential spark, then it's a different situation.

But until then, And I do mean several years at least no relationship, trust me, you both will be better off.

PS, not sure if you're also getting professional therapy, but if you can, do it. You very likely need it too, and I say that lovingly. I have received it myself and seen many people I know get helped by it.

Stay smart, stay safe, and best wishes.

[–] appledinosaurcat 2 points 6 months ago

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It'll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

[–] AaAaaaAaAA@aussie.zone 9 points 6 months ago

I just read the title, and my instant reaction is fuck that. Nobody has time to "fix" someone. Don't waste your time with him

[–] xilliah 8 points 6 months ago

🚩🚩🚩

[–] Unquote0270@programming.dev 8 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like textbook NPD, particularly his backstory.

[–] appledinosaurcat 3 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Would you mind elaborating? It's a topic I've been curious about since dating a narcissist in the hopes of protecting myself going forward. For this guy, is it because of how he was always the hero of the story? I've been trying to see if I can identify narcissistic traits that resemble my ex. So far, this guy has asked more questions and does seem genuinely caring/curious about me. But sometimes he doesn't respond at all to what I say and he'll jump to a new unrelated topic which I thought could be PTSD.

[–] kashifshah@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

Watch out for the charmers that do the equivalent of love bombing but with charm. Once they have charmed your pants off, the charm stops and the harm starts. That early charm can be a classic abuser trait.

[–] appledinosaurcat 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Narcissist ex was Mr. Charm who became Mr. Harm. I was reeling from that for the whole year. The worst part is I think part of him genuinely regretted not being capable of knowing better than he did in the moment and couldn't undo it. But no matter how remorseful he was in that instant, his narcissism is so deeply rooted that it would just be alleviating a symptom and not curing the disease. I was heartbroken but knew I couldn't heal him, fix him, save him. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about it as if I missed the solution that could make us work, but then I remind myself of the same reality - he is a narcissist who is fundamentally different from me and I would only be signing up for more pain rather than learning the lesson at a root level.

[–] kashifshah@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

The regret and heartache is reasonable to feel for a little while - for individuals like him, they often need to do work on themselves on the scale of decades, not months or years. It would be a major lifestyle choice to be the committed, supportive partner/caretaker to someone like that. And it takes major emotional labor and can potentially be dangerous. Scars highly likely.

Feel good about doing what you can to help the person along in their journey while maintaining your own healthy boundaries.

And remember to be compassionate to yourself.

[–] appledinosaurcat 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Well said, I still have scars but at least they're not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn't seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.

Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.

[–] kashifshah@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 6 months ago

I know exactly how you feel, friend. Happy to help :)

[–] GiveOver@feddit.uk 7 points 6 months ago

He sounds alright to me, troubled past but came out the end ok. Doing hard drugs in the past isn't a red flag imo, as long as you believe they're done for good. Ignore all the terminally online people in here. Nobody's perfect.

[–] Sir_Kevin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 6 months ago

I'm falling for a long-distance

You can stop right there. This relationship is already pretty well doomed without going further. All that other drama is just more nails in the coffin. Walk away.

[–] kashifshah@lemmy.sdf.org 6 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Ask yourself this: would you be willing to lose everything to fall for this man? If not, back away from him and keep your eyes on your goals.

[–] appledinosaurcat 3 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Thank you so much! I really should and need to after investing a lot into my goals. I'm starting to feel bad for feeling attracted to him. More importantly, I was trying to understand why was I falling for him and what I can do to not keep going for the wrong guys.

[–] kashifshah@lemmy.sdf.org 3 points 6 months ago

Not all that glitters is gold, and not all that excites is good.

[–] apotheotic 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

If this is the same person from your previous post about ghosting each other for months at a time and only having one date that didn't go well, then GET OUT OF THERE GIRLY

If its not:

Despite your assertion in the negative, it sounds like you're being (intentionally or not) love bombed. Its intoxicating but it isn't sustainable. Even if its not love bombing, it does sound like its a very intense, fast burning thing. You're talking about marriage and having a family, which I don't think is necessarily a terrible thing to have your cards on the table about reasonably early on, it seems a bit much.

If you take away the sparkly tingly fun exciting feelings (which will almost certainly dull to a more dull tingle over time), does it still seem right?

It is admirable that he's putting in the work, but it sounds like he's quite a far way from finishing his journey.

I'm tempted to say GET OUT OF THERE GIRLY but one never has the full picture with situations like this

[–] appledinosaurcat 3 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

Not the same person but I don't know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I'm fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren't dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I'll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That's the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

[–] apotheotic 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Oh hey I'll come do a guest spot on your podcast! I was broken up with on valentines day by two different people ;-;

I'm glad I could help you find your answer, even if it was one that sucks a little bit. Sending you a big hug from across the internet

[–] appledinosaurcat 2 points 6 months ago

Oh man they both didn't deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 3 points 6 months ago

A bad boy trying to be good is one of your best bets for a partner.

It’s all a matter of whether the PTSD will defeat him in the end. If you think there’s a possibility he’ll overcome it and continue to rise in life, and if you’re attracted to him, and if you trust him, then you should stay with him.

A bad boy past is not a mark against a man. It’s evidence he’s got what it takes to be good.