this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2023
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I'm honestly losing my will to live. Not actively considering sucide, but in the "I wouldn't mind if that bus just swerved into me and this bullshit could finally end" phase. Physical and mental health's down the shitter, and I'm making the mental part worse by isolating myself from my friends and the outside world in general – partially because I'm just so tired due to health issues, and partially due to having picked up an old substance abuse problem that I tend to reach for every time I hit a rough spot, and which absolutely does not help. Haven't left my apartment in days now.
Everything feels so pointless. My immune system hates me, meaning my body has decided that everything starting from my eyes to my nervous system is the enemy, so now I'm slowly losing my eyesight and getting neuropathic pain from dying nerve fibers. After getting sick 3 or so years ago I've managed to cut almost all of my friends out of my life because I either honestly didn't have the energy to do stuff with them and keep in touch, or just spent my days sulking about how terrible I feel (and tbh there have been times I really did feel absolutely terrible, what with radiotherapy and surgery and all) instead of spending time with people who cared about me, so now nobody even asks me out to things anymore or gets in touch. Not that I had all that many friends in the first place, being a bit of a weirdo loner to start with, so it's no surprise that the few I had left evaporated when all I could talk about was how terrible I felt after getting an internal organ nuked or how I had to go to the emergency department again because of XYZ.
Slowly trying to come to terms and learn to live with chronic illness now that the acute stuff is over, but I've isolated myself so efficiently that it's hard to pick up my life from where I left it before I got sick. So right now the place I'm at is that I'm a bloated aging ruin of a person in a world that's rapidly going down the shitter, and I just feel so hopeless about, well, everything.
Hi there, I've been in that "wouldn't mind if something happened" phase for five years or so, with spurts of active ideation. I have chronic tonic clonic (lmfao) seizures (epilepsy), have chronic depression, I've developed agoraphobia and have been self-isolating similar to you. I've also lost 35lbs the past couple years from an already less-than-healthy weight. Every therapy session is about food and it's exhausting. Every week it's "what got in your way of eating?", "what am I missing?", "How can we make it easier to eat next week?"... (it's good therapy, just frustrating).
I'm a good friend but whenever my friends ask about me I feel like I never have anything but doom and gloom when they're off living l vibrant lives (not without their own struggles of course). So it's hard to feel like it's worth being my friend and like I'm doing them a favor pulling away.
Probably nothing helpful in there, just turned into my own venting... Lol. But if you don't currently see a psychologist or therapist please do look into it.
There's always some sort of solace in knowing that you're not alone with your issues, and that others are going through similar things. I've occasionally felt like I really shouldn't have anything to complain about, because it could be worse, but that sort thinking really doesn't help either
I’m not sure I have anything I can say, but I will offer a BIG INTERNET HUG.
Edit: welp how did that get so ginormous 😅 it's like postmark-sized on my computer