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Trigger Warnings: depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts

Reader discretion is advised.

Hi! I'm Marvin (well here I am Marvin, most people know me under different names), named after a depressed Robot with an immense intellect. I didn't choose the name because of my intellect...

I'm getting paid pretty badly for being a sysadmin (but I don't deal with glasspanes or fruits. Only penguins).

In my free time I sometimes code (mostly python, some webdev stuff, sometimes a little bit Rust), once in a blue moon strum some things on my guitar,go climbing, do some shitty woodworking and loads of other stuff. I think I might have ADHD because it's hard for me to focus on most things and my interest in stuff quickly dwindles. That's why I have loads of unfinished projects or ideas lying around.

I love metal music.

I'm pretty shy and suffer from social anxiety. I've been single most of my life and am kind of a loner.

The two times I've been in relationships were pretty abusive and left me yearning for death, a feeling I had throughout most of my childhood. I think talking to people I find attractive was hard before all that but it feels like nowadays it's impossible. Also I have no clue how to tell if someone is interested in me. I never was. Only in hindsight.

I'm pretty lonely but too scared to do anything about it.

I've been clean and sober for almost 6 years now. Which doesn't help in getting to know people. I know was way more talkative and outgoing when I drank. But I could never stop when I started.

Im in my midthirties and to be honest I still feel like the last years of school were the best time of my life.

I've been through a lot of therapy, which helped me a lot with my confidence and to deal with my thoughts and feelings. I'm a lot better than I've.been most of my life but life still sucks most of the time.

Here is something I could never tell anybody IRL: even though my life is pretty good right now and I have not had any suicidal thoughts in a long time I am pretty sure that I will be the one to end my life. It won't be in the forseeable future but I can't see myself getting old on this rotten planet with so many rotten peaople.

Sorry to be such a downer but it feels great to be honest. And that's something that is really hard for me. Especially to people I care about and that includes myself :)

Hope you all are living your best life out there!

And as some pretty awesome musicians said: Rock on! And be excellent to each other!