I recently had an injection that seemed to go wrong (CW: blood, I inject EV subq and I hit something like a capillary, there was a lot of blood and it bruised badly afterwards). Within a couple days I felt unusually dysphoric as a result of what I assume was a failure for the oil to depot and slowly release over time.
I get these "dysphoric thoughts" that maybe the estrogen is causing the problems, that I don't have objective proof that I'm trans, etc. Lots of doubt, paranoia, and increasing amounts of anxiety and irrational fear (about transition, but also in general, e.g. thinking spiders are in my bed), and I start to experience depression and anhedonia (things aren't as pleasurable, everything feels pretty flat emotionally, I just feel "bad").
Of course when I inject again and it goes well, I feel much better and I forget about these problems.
I was just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with dysphoria when there are gaps in the HRT. Obviously in the long term, surgery will fix the hormone issue and I suspect that will fix this problem. Until then, though, I am stuck in a rather fragile place where I feel normal (even good, even amazing) when my estrogen levels are high and suppressing my testosterone. Any small slip in that and I barely function as a person.
Before HRT I would just do whatever I could to increase mental well-being:
- physical exertion (aerobic exercise, weightlifting, etc.)
- going outside and getting sunshine
- keeping up with hydration
- keeping good sleep hygiene (sleeping enough, going to sleep at the same times, etc.)
- meditation every day
But now it feels harder for me to "bootstrap" when there are gaps in HRT and my hormones aren't right, it's like I'm no longer used to how hard it was before.
Anyway - any tips or thoughts, would like to hear other's experiences.
Ah, I don't know much about the laws and the way healthcare works in the Netherlands. I'm in the States, and after the doctor referred me to the endo, my first appointment with the endo was scheduled two to three months away. It felt like a long time, and in that time having socially transitioned but having no HRT I suffered much more than before. It was like I was giving up all of my repression and previous coping strategies, and that left me rather exposed to the dysphoria, to the point of having strong suicidal ideation.
In retrospect, knowing how I responded to HRT, I regretted waiting and not trying DIY first. It was easy before seeing the endo to rationalize not taking the DIY route, as I wouldn't have baseline blood tests showing my hormone levels before HRT. I also didn't want to come across as non-cooperative or acting in bad faith with my doctors. But I sacrificed my well-being for that, in ways that makes no sense.
In the U.S. estradiol is not a controlled substance, even though you generally need a prescription to acquire it. You can order it online and have it shipped to your house, and the quality of some of the estradiol on the market is the same as what you get at the pharmacy here (obviously not all sources are equal). The issue is really money for most people.
I don't know how you might react to HRT, or what situation trying DIY might put you in. However, I would completely understand taking the DIY route, and I wish I had taken my well-being more seriously. I know in the UK people often turn to DIY because it can shorten the timeline for getting HRT through the clinics there, I guess the clinic feels a pressure to engage in "harm reduction" and will waive some of the transphobic policies that require waiting arbitrarily long times before being given HRT.
Much luck to you, sister. I hope you are able to find a way to help yourself and feel better. <3
Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better.
Being a goody two shoes can definitely be detrimental. I'm gonna try to get her to at least give me the blood tests. Otherwise I'll have to go the private way and it's gonna be expensive. And I'm already drying up my friends enough.
Looks like people are saying the greymarket medication is more expensive in the UK than through official means (just like in the U.S. where insurance should bring down the cost of the medication), but private (which I assume means still going to a clinic and paying out of pocket) might be more expensive than greymarket DIY, just a thought if financial resources are tight. Basically this would mean just not seeing a doctor or getting blood tests privately, just sourcing the medication on the greymarket. Then when you do finally get access to the public healthcare you will have been self-medicating and they will be motivated to fast-track getting you the medication through official means (as a form of harm reduction). At least this is what I have heard can happen.
If you haven't already, you might find Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet interesting, it's a memoir but she's in the UK and talks about what it was like navigating the UK healthcare system. I found the book important at the very beginning of my transition to help me come to terms with being trans and accepting that.
Well I can tell you that in the NL the official route is way more expensive, less predictable, slower, harder, dehumanizing and traumatizing. Even when it drove me to the point of suicide, they wouldn't let me stay in the hospital. I'd recommend against going this route to anybody.
DIY is the status quo, simple, convenient, respectful, cheap, and you get a whole year's worth. The only thing that really costs anything is the bloodwork. Learning how to be responsible with it costs less time and energy than all the paperwork.
For the official route, if I add up all costs, I am currently at well over 1500 usd, and I haven't seen a single blood test or pill yet.
Thanks for the book, but right now I just need to get my medication in order.
sorry, I think I might have gotten confused and forgot you were in NL, not in the UK 🤦♀️ oof
I hope you are able to get the medication you need, I'm sorry the system sucks so badly. :-(
Thanks for your words! Actually yesterday I finally got some and today is my first day without full blown dissociation. And it's trans visibility day :)
I'll keep tinkering with the gendergp and Dutch pathways though.
woohoo! That's great news! Are you doing injections, and what dose did you decide to start with?
This is so exciting! 👏👏👏
Yes and I still have to look that up. Posted an update.
nice, I checked your update and posted there - thanks!