If there's one phrase that has echoed in the back of my mind, it's that I have no family, and by that I mean no children or spouse - and I'm middle aged.
I have relatives of course, sisters, nieces, nephews and a grandma. Both my parents died some years ago, so there's no going home to them. My sister's are so busy with their lives, and one actively ignores me, largely because she's dealing with her own issues.
I'm not going to grandma's, because my crazy creationist cunt of an aunt will probably call me a communist atheist while she parrots Isreali propaganda. I'd rather be alone than face that, which is sad AF since grandma is selling the family house and this will be the last year we can spend Christmas there.
Add to that the fact I never really had a full relationship because I focused all my time developing skills, something that used to bring me joy and the promise of success, but now I sort of hate what I do and haven't been able to reach success. I've all but abandoned my dream and am deeply insecure about my future. In effect I have worked long and hard with nothing to show for it.
I have no feeling of belonging with my own countrymen even, and the foreigners are so self conscious that you instantly get pegged as "one of them", "the other", as they treat you as an inferior because they them selves have been made to feel inferior and feel the need to cope via toxicity. Can't turn around without being slapped with some social pressure or putdown. I don't feel like dealing with anyone.
This will be the second Christmas I spend alone and I don't really feel like reaching out. I feel like a burden, like someone who has to be catered to, facilitated, tolerated. My only want is an escape. Whether that means leaving the country, joining a cult, moving out into a cave, I don't know.
I just don't know how to deal. I can't really relate to anyone and I can't find anyone I can trust, or who I feel I can confide in. So I take to the internet, to completely random strangers for respite.
Tell me your stories of loneliness, wether ongoing or from the past, how you intend to deal with it or how you dealt with it.
I don't have many words of comfort, but I will say this: Even if when you look around you, it seems empty - that does not mean you are alone!
Conversely the same applies for me in my case, I'm supposed to have some family members around me for Christmas... and yet I feel much more disconnected and alone now than I ever have.
Logically, I know that my brain is just playing tricks on me. I have friends who truly care about me, and a few family members who do. But my siblings who are coming to visit us? They pretend to care (at least from my perspective), yet I doubt they do. I've heard from others the thoughts they have about me, and it's really sad to hear.
Unfortunately, the heart often does not follow logic. I can't help but feel how I do. The only thing I can do is just as I have, which is continuing to push on as hard as I can - some days I don't make any progress and it feels like I'm frozen in a single frame of the timeline... But I live for the days where the bad fades away, even if only briefly.
So it's not much, I know, but I will be thinking of you and the rest of my friends here at the Fediverse (and my personal friends of course) throughout the holidays! Some days the road is dark, but you'll never have to walk it alone.