Transfem

CW: suicidal ideation

yeah, I socially transitioned three months before I started estrogen. That was because the same day I figured out I was trans I realized I just wouldn't ever transition if I didn't force myself out of the closet by being public in that moment. The temptation to never transition and rationalize a way out of transitioning was too great, and I realized I had been doing that my entire adult life.

Needless to say, social transition without any hormones was hell for me. Obviously I should have been on estrogen my whole life, I had awful biochemical dysphoria, and I honestly marvel how I survived and didn't kill myself. There were previous attempts and lots of suicidal ideation from the time I was 13 years old. When I was 18 - 19 I made very concrete plans and took steps to make that plan happen, but I couldn't pull the trigger (metaphorically speaking).

During the three month wait for estrogen there was one night I woke up in the middle of the night in extreme distress and had to carefully manage extremely intense suicidal impulses. I just don't think anyone should go through that, and even though at the time I downplayed how much I was suffering, I look back now and balk.

I suspect many other trans women without estrogen feel the way I did, and it's incredible to me how much we as a community tolerate this harm. If the problem were diabetes, nobody would be wringing their hands about when or whether they should start insulin, it's only because of transphobia that we all think it's reasonable to not address a serious hormone condition. (Though not every trans person requires HRT or has biochemical dysphoria, since so many do and it's such a low risk for those who don't need it, I think it's worth encouraging any trans person to start hormones ASAP as a kind of obvious harm reduction.)

EDIT: also, taking hormones made it more obvious to me that transitioning wasn't the ... optional step I thought it was. I had previously thought it was just a way for me to indulge in the desire to wear women's clothes and try to be socially accepted as a woman - desires I thought were much less important than other considerations like a career which would have been threatened by transition / being visibly trans. Once I was on hormones I understood that transition was fundamental to my health and well-being, and that by not transitioning I was risking my life. It's not a choice for me, it truly isn't - it only seemed that way when I was pre-transition and didn't know better. Taking estrogen helped clarify the necessity of HRT, which I did not believe in before then. Before I would have thought of estrogen just as a means to an end, something you do to look like a woman so you can live as one socially, not realizing estrogen is an essential hormone to make your body work correctly when you are a woman and that the wrong sex hormones can wreck havoc.

I get that, and you have to make your own choices about that, but estrogen can be supportive without necessarily forcing you to socially transition, there are many people who take estrogen but are in the closet still. Depending on how you dress, speak, and interact, you probably can pass as a male for longer than you think.

It depends on a lot of things how soon you will start to appear as a woman to people. If you have short hair and not a lot of body fat I think it would be easier, since it's hard to grow breasts without much fat. If you are heavier you are more likely get more breast growth and it might be harder to hide that without a binder, but even that can be managed. If you have facial hair or heavy beard shadow, that heavily skews perception towards male.

You might look back and think waiting for security in your life before starting estrogen was a mistake, especially if estrogen is necessary for your brain to work well like it is for me. Even without that reason, your body will undergo further androgenization, which for me increased significantly in my 20s.

Just worth thinking it through. If you have to keep it secret from family or people you live with, you could always take the DIY route to avoid the paper trail that visiting a doctor causes.

Just don't underestimate how important estrogen is, I did and I regret it deeply - I would do anything to go back in time and start as early as I could.

I can't tell if this is serious, or a joke I don't get 😅

Native has a mens line of body wash and deoderant that blurs the line between traditionally masculine and feminine scents. I get their mens and womens stuff fairly interchangeably.

Tbh its hard to tell the difference between their gendered products and no one would bat an eye at the packaging or if asking about the scent since they dont gender the packaging much, if at all, if plausible deniability is important to someone given circumstances.

Funny thing -- I was paranoid about drawing attention, but in my experience so far very few people notice anything out of the ordinary, and even fewer care. Absolutely nobody has said "you smell like a girl".

You can get away with a lot more than you think!

I started out with these: https://a.co/d/aiW60Ry

Then moved to these ones: https://a.co/d/fFftKPP since its easier to stuff socks in them to go stealth a bit more in public lol

That's just self-doubt. You have my permission to ignore it and go buy a bra. You deserve it <3

take the leap and go for it! i sent some suggestions in another comment here if you want to take a look. they really are the key to me feeling comfortable in my own body these days, i can't go out without it