Lately I've been fascinated by the speeches of Alan Watts. I have found them to be so helpful. I feel like I'm on the cusp of understanding something, but I'm not quite there yet. I've struggled with addiction for most of my life (food), and recently found out that Alan Watts, as wise as he was, also struggled with his own addiction (alcohol). I'm listening to one of his speeches now and this really stood out to me:
Is it simply a vicious circle? I could ask why have you come here this afternoon. What were you looking for? Would it be too presumptuous of me to say that you were looking for help? That you hoped you would hear somebody who had something to say that would be of relevance to you as members of a world which is running into the most intense difficulty? A world beset by a complex of problems any one of which would be bad enough. But when you add together all the great political, social and ecological problems with which we are faced they are appalling.
And one naturally says the reason why we are in such a mess is not simply that we have wrong systems for doing things, whether they be technological, political or religious. We have the wrong people. The systems may be all right, but they are in the wrong hands because we are all in various ways self-seeking, lacking in wisdom, lacking in courage, afraid of death, afraid of pain, unwilling to cooperate with others, unwilling to be open to others.
And we all think that's too bad, it's me that's wrong. If only I could be the right person. Is this man going to tell me something that will help me to change myself so that I will be a more creative and cooperative member of the human race? There is the obvious difficulty that if I am in need of improvement, the person who is going to do the improving is the one who needs to be improved. There, immediately we have a vicious circle.
I have lived the vicious circle for most of my life. The advice following is to be the observer, take a step back to not get carried away by your own stream of consciousness. You can try asking for grace, but it may not work. If you're still seeking, spirituality will only be the new candy bar or drink you're seeking.
So if I'm understanding correctly, I must stop seeking. This would be fitting with Buddhist teachings. This is the point I've been stuck on for quite some time. I can't get past it. Because isn't all that's left beyond seeking... death? The end? How does human life persist past this point? I've had moments in my life where I've temporarily been able to let go, and I am never able to sustain it because I have to come back down to earth to live. To wear the human mask and take on all that entails.
We aren't better because we want to be. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. All the do-gooders in the world--whether doing it for others or doing it for themselves--are troublemakers. Kindly let me help you or you'll drown, said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.
It makes perfect sense for helping others, but when I try to live a healthier lifestyle and be a better parent, how am I putting myself, the fish, up a tree? He says it's full of conceit, and that if I really knew what was best for me, that it would have happened by now. This part is depressing because it's basically stating that what is best for me is to have this struggle and to maybe go on and develop diabetes and die from it. But it feels bizarre and wrong for me to just accept something like that. Why live at all if you are just going to throw your hands up and say this is just how it is when things get hard?
It has become so tedious and repetitive. The older I get, the more death seems like a such a relief. So is that why I'm hastening it with compulsive bad habits? It feels like there's something more here, but I'm unable to comprehend what that is.
How am I to get out of my own way?
If you want wisdom on overcoming addiction, it's best not to turn to a man who died from his addiction. Alan Watts had some pithy things to say, but he died before the modern understanding of addiction had even emerged.
I've overcome a few addictions, but for the one you personally are dealing with, I had to get medical help. I struggled my whole life thinking that I could overcome it with thought and philosophy if I tried hard enough. At 51, ten years after being diagnosed with diabetes and after years of watching my blood sugars climb no matter what I did, I'm getting medical treatment for food addiction, and for the first time in my life, it's actually helping. I hope the same will be true for you before your health deteriorate as much as mine did.
I hear you, I had treatment a couple of years ago and unfortunately it left me with more questions than answers. My eating disorder counselor was a great guy, but he was using a badly outdated program with a terrible success rate, and that's all that is currently for offer in my area. Currently I have a great therapist, but she specifies that she is not qualified to treat my eating disorder. I'm on medication for it and saw a psychiatrist for my disorder for a couple of years. Overall it's gotten a bit better than it was years ago, but it's still far from well managed.
I thought it would be worth exploring Watts' speeches on addiction precisely because he did suffer from one. Sometimes firsthand experience can be helpful, and sometimes under the proper conditions we can learn from the mistakes of others. I don't want to just give up after partially successful medical intervention.
There are new medical treatments for food addiction that have come online in the last couple of years. I'm getting both emotional help and medical help. After a lifetime of failure after failure, finally something is working. My genuine hope is that you will find modern, up to date treatment rather than having to settle with things that aren't working.
Watts did suffer from addiction, but he did not overcome it, in any sense of the word. It killed him. I have a lot of time for what he has to say on Zen philosophy, but when it came time for me to give up alcohol, I didn't see the input of a terminal alcoholic as useful. I respect your right to feel differently, of course, but the fact is that I'm no longer a binge drinker nor am I a binge eater, and did not escape those addictions via philosophy, or willpower. Meditation has been integral, but on its own it would not have been enough.
Thanks, I appreciate your concern but I'm not only relying on Watts. I've tried lots of other things in the past, and won't stop trying anything I can find in the future, even if the usefulness is limited to seeing what didn't work for someone I can relate to. A lot of this is emotional, and it's been strangely comforting to know that he struggled with the similar issues.