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Is there a nice way to tell someone they need more friends? (self.nostupidquestions)

submitted 8 months ago by Alice to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.ca

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I have a relative who I don't want to cut off, but it's obvious they need me more than I need them and it's exhausting. They want me to drop everything and spend time with them at a moment's notice, usually eating out which is super expensive, and they constantly have mental health crises and text me that they "need" me.

I can say no to them, that's not the problem, but they haven't gotten the hint and are just as clingy years after years of it. It's really unhealthy for me to be their only friend when I don't feel the same way. Is there any way to encourage them to expand their social life without sounding like a dick? I have no social grace and sound like a dick a lot.

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[–] scrubbles@poptalk.scrubbles.tech 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I can't say if it's a good idea to tell them that or not.

What I can say though is that I've been in your situation, and it's a really hard place to be. You want to help them and be there for them, you want to be a friend for them, and you are, but they're also taking advantage of you.

Take it from me and what I had to learn. They've built you up to be their go-to person, that you'll always be there, but that's not a healthy mindset. It is completely okay to set boundaries. I know you said you can say no to them, but you can officially be firm with them, telling them that you'd love to talk with them, but it'll need to wait until you are available.

For me, my person kept taking more the more I gave, to the point where they called me while I was at dinner with family, and then sent me a text immediately after guilting me for not answering. They also started telling me that I owed it to them to pick up, that no matter what I'm doing I should always be available to answer the phone and tell them I'm not available. I told them that's impossible, what if I'm in a meeting, or out of service, or driving? They said it didn't matter.

That's where these people go, they'll keep going until you set some hard boundaries. Those can be some hard times to enforce that, but it's important to. What they're doing to you isn't fair. It's great you're such a good friend who wants to be there, the least they can do is be a good friend and respect that.

[–] Alice 4 points 8 months ago

Oh man, that's a horrible position to be in. I appreciate the advice, and I hope you're out of there and have healthier friendships.