Sombyr

joined 9 months ago
[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 2 points 4 months ago

I'm beginning to wonder what romance is as well, after gaining close friends, especially one very close friend, who considers everything I once considered romantic to be just friendly interaction. That was kinda the catalyst for me to start wondering what it is a relationship can even offer me if I can have friends like this anyway.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 1 points 4 months ago

Ah, don't worry, I wasn't trying to defend myself. More trying to understand my own feelings via comparison. Because I know that for some reason I do still want and enjoy romantic relationships, but I don't know why, since I get so much from my friends. It makes it difficult to know when somebody would be a good romantic partner for me because I don't know what I want from them in the first place, as evidence by the fact that all my exs have ended up making better friends for me than partners.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 5 points 4 months ago

I think it's a bit of both in my case. I have a lot of popular friends, and that happens to turn a lot of heads my way and make some people insecure around me, but I also act unintentionally rude quite often, which I've been making an effort to fix, and I've been told by some people that it does make me look stuck up until people get to know me and realize I'm not rude, just very autistic.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 3 points 4 months ago

I do have that resting bitch face (if you can see my profile picture, that's evidence enough.) I also have a habit of being unintentionally rude on account of autism. It causes most people who interact with me to really quickly turn away because I give off the vibe that I don't wanna be around them, even when I am enjoying their company. I end up being unintentionally popular anyway though because most of my friends are very popular, on account of them being so social even my unintentional rudeness couldn't turn them away. And naturally having a lot of popular friends turns heads in my direction as well.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 3 points 4 months ago (4 children)

As far as sexual reasons go, I don't really need that myself. I'm not exactly asexual, I'm sexually attracted to people, I just find it's easy enough to take care of that need without a partner.

Losing friends to relationships though, I haven't ever had that happen. I just become friends with their partner too and absorb them into my friend group.

Although I found out that way through some of them that apparently I give off a really intimidating aura. Apparently I give off the vibes of "the popular girl who refuses to associate herself with the peasants" as somebody said. They tend to be pretty shocked I had any interest in being friends with them at all.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 4 points 4 months ago (3 children)

I can see that perspective, and maybe subconsciously it is that stability I'm looking for, especially because I've gone through 2 separate traumatic events that resulted in me losing every friend I had, the second, the only person who stayed with me was my ex, who I was dating at the time.

I guess though I kinda feel like I have achieved some level of stability even without a relationship. That ex I just mentioned is still a good friend, and he and his girlfriend talk constantly about trying to move closer to me, because at this point they both consider me more of family than just a friend.

And it's like that for most of my close friends. I've got some that come and go, but my tightknit inner circle seems here to stay at least, at least for a very long time. I can see the appeal of wanting somebody to be there for my entire life though. Granted, the only people I can think of that I want that out of are the friends I already have, but on account of the fact that my friend group is practically composed purely of exs and people who've rejected me romantically already, it seems I'll have to look elsewhere. Although that's kind of a sad prospect to me, that I don't get to choose any of them to stay by my side forever.

 

As I've gained more and more close friends, more than I've ever had in my life, and some closer than I've ever had in my life, I've come to realize something recently. Despite the prevailing feeling like I want a relationship, I don't actually know why it is I want one, nor what I have to gain from one.

Many of my friends nowadays are in fact either people who have rejected me romantically, or are exs that things just didn't work out with but we found we made better friends. And that's been the case with getting rejected too. I just end up enjoying the friendship so much, and getting so much out of it, that I just start to wonder why I ever wanted anything more than that. And what even is more than that?

Maybe everybody else has already realized this by my age, and my sheltered religious upbringing has just held me back a few years again, but I've started seriously considering, with every new crush, if they'd actually be any better for me as a partner instead of just a friend, and I've found that the answer, thus far, has always been no.

I guess the only thing that still has me wondering is, well, what does a romantic relationship offer that friendship doesn't? My friends already love me, and tell me all the time. They already care for me in ways I used to think only a partner would, and I do my best to care for them too. I still desire a romantic relationship for some reason, but I just can't see what there is to gain anymore.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 10 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

For me, the changes happened really gradually, and some changes didn't happen at all (which is normal, because it's not the same for everyone, not even cis women.) It took around 2 years before I started noticing any changes, and around 4 before I stopped noticing any more changes. It can vary a lot though.

It's also worth noting even once you've experienced all the changes, it won't feel the same every time. For instance, for me, it's only a full body experience if it's a good one. Otherwise it doesn't feel much different in nature from a guy's orgasm. It does definitely last longer usually though. Usually around 15 seconds, but it can go up to... well, actually, I've never felt the need to break out a stop watch.

There's some things that for me never changed though. For instance, it doesn't take any longer to build up, and I almost never can have multiple in a row. Although I'm still responsive to stimulation, it just doesn't go anywhere. On very rare occasions I've had consecutive ones, but it's been that way since even before I transitioned.

Also, I've seen a lot of claims that female orgasms are more intense than male orgasms. For me at least, that is absolutely not the case. They feel different, but intensity wise it's exactly the same. I do react more physically, but not because it feels better, rather just because estrogen did that to me for some reason.

I think honestly the line between "male" and "female" orgasm are a lot blurrier than people think and it's not really a useful way to think about it. Not everyone will even experience changes to their orgasms and that's not because there's something wrong, it's just because there's so much natural variance that many women just naturally experience what is often called a "male" orgasm.

I've seen a lot of trans women get really disappointed thinking something must be wrong because they haven't achieved the fabled "female orgasm." Just know that that's a very idealized version of a female orgasm that not even most cis women, in my experience, meet. It's completely normal for some things to change but not others, or even on occasion for almost nothing to change at all.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I spend 1/3rd of that on all of my groceries combined per month. If I was spending that much per week I would be over 1000$ in debt after a single month. Is the average person really that rich? And what food are they buying that they need to spend that much?
This is baffling to me as a poor person.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 20 points 4 months ago (2 children)

I hope this doesn't sound aggressive, but unless you're a man, you never had to venture very far on Lemmy to experience misogyny. If you ever mentioned you were a woman in any of the major instances and communities in any context except "I'm a woman and here's what I don't like about other women," you were gonna get misogynistic replies and a shocking amount of downvotes. It's just what happens when any internet community is dominated by a single gender I guess.
Lemmy's always been great about almost every other social issue, except sometimes trans issues and neurodivergence if you stepped out of the communities for it, but women's issues have always been an absolute train wreck around here.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 10 points 4 months ago (3 children)

Depends more on which man than which bear for me. Random man I know nothing about? The bear. Friend who's been nothing but nice and respectful for years? The friend.
We aren't answering the question thinking "well the bear might not kill me," it's "the bear will only kill me."

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 5 points 4 months ago (2 children)

You remembered wrong.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 4 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I suppose I was overly vague about what I meant by "exact copy." I mean all of the knowledge, memories, and an exact map of the state of our neurons at the time of upload being uploaded to a computer, and then the functions being simulated from there. Many people believe that even if we could simulate it so perfectly that it matched a human brain's functions exactly, it still wouldn't be conscious because it's still not a real human brain. That's the point I was arguing against. My argument was that if we could mimic human brain functions closely enough, there's no reason to believe the brain is so special that a simulation could not achieve consciousness too.
And you're right, it may not be conscious in the same way. We have no reason to believe either way that it would or wouldn't be, because the only thing we can actually verify is conscious is ourself. Not humans in general, just you, individually. Therefore, how conscious something is is more of a philosophical debate than a scientific one because we simply cannot test if it's true. We couldn't even test if it was conscious at all, and my point wasn't that it would be, my point is that we have no reason to believe it's possible or impossible.

 

Couldn't find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I'm fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.

I've been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it's something I didn't have to worry about.
I've always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that's great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don't want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what's hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There's only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.

I'm just so afraid I'll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I'm just living in fear that I'll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.

And yeah, yeah, I know, "you don't need a relationship to be happy" and whatever. That's not the point. The point is I practically don't even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I'm on numerous meds. I've tried therapy, and am still trying. I've done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn't look like that'll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.

I know there's only one real solution, and that's to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I'm unlovable.

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