BumpingFuglies

It all started about 37 years ago. I was born male and I was content. Sure, I was a bit disconnected, like I was just along for the ride and not really part of my own life. "That's just how life is," I thought. "Everybody feels this way, right? So why question it?" I certainly couldn't talk to my verbally and physically abusive, mostly-absent father about it.

I did well enough in school, made mostly male friends, never got bullied, and I was content. Sure, I wanted desperately to know what being female would be like, and jumped at every opportunity to pretend just a bit. "But that's normal, right? Who wouldn't want to be a different gender, at least for a day?"

In my 20s, I met a wonderful woman, we got married, and about 4 years ago, we had a baby. The moment I found out we were having a girl, my heart soared and my mind raced, thinking of all the fun girl stuff I'd finally be able to do using my future daughter as an excuse. "I just wanna be a good, present dad," I thought. "Of course I'll ~~get~~ have to do girl stuff with her!"

Earlier this year, I had a major epiphany and came out as nonbinary (take a look at my post history for that whole story).

I've been trying to figure myself out since then. I defaulted to nonbinary because I'm a dad and don't want to confuse my young daughter, and it meant I could feel comfortable finally embracing my femininity, if only a little. I started wearing skirts and dresses to work, even out into the world at large, and it felt wonderful. I kept my shaved head and big beard, though, because those were my armor.

But I'm a bit impulsive, and a few days ago, I shaved my beard and bought a beautiful, long, colorful wig. I wore it to work earlier this week, and the utter euphoria of my wonderful coworkers referring to me as she/her sent me places I'd never been emotionally. I'd never felt so seen.

But I was still Dad at home, so I couldn't allow myself to consider a full transition.

Being endlessly curious, and definitely not because I wanted to fully transition, I researched gender dysphoria and HRT, and the impacts they can have on the mind. When I got to the section about DPDR - depersonalization and derealization - I was floored. The description reflected exactly how I've felt my whole life up until I started embracing my femininity. "But that's normal, isn't it? ... Everyone doesn't feel this way?"

I had a long talk with my partner yesterday, and she helped me to feel comfortable with the idea of being a trans woman. She assured me that our daughter would adjust and would still love me regardless - that I could still be her dad, even if I wasn't a man.

We went out to a restaurant and did some shopping yesterday, myself in my full feminine attire, wig and all. She wanted to show me off, and I wanted to let her.

I may have a masculine jaw, a pesky beard shadow, and a bit too deep of a voice, but for that brief time that we were out, I was unabashedly a woman. I'd never felt so alive, so present - I was no longer a passenger in my own life.

I was a content, binary male. Then I was nonbinary. Now I'm making my way back to the binary, but this time as a woman.

The next step is scheduling a visit with a gender counselor to get a prescription to start myself on HRT, and I couldn't be more excited.

All the doubt I had about myself is gone, replaced with conviction. I know, finally, what I am. I'm a woman. My body just didn't get the memo.

Edited for typo correction.

Just something I've been thinking about lately:

Having been a straight-passing (I'm bi) white male in the U.S., I was part of the country's "default" community. Because of that (and because I've never really identified with classically masculine interests), I never really felt like I had any real community to call my own. I was a bit of a hermit, only interacting with others when I had to.

But now that I've found myself as nonbinary and started presenting as such, for the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never felt such a deep, intrinsic connection to strangers as when I meet another trans person. I've never felt such love and acceptance as when I first came out to my trans friends.

So, thank you all for being who you are, and thank you for accepting me for who I am. I love each and every one of you. 💖

Hi all! I recently had a personal renaissance regarding my gender, then I found this community. So, let me introduce myself:

I'm nonbinary demigender. My pronouns are whatever makes the most sense to you at the time. I identify as a man as far as being a dad (with an amazing daughter), but otherwise feel no connection to any gender, and I'm most comfortable balancing my masculinity and femininity. I like to be bearded and beautiful.

To me, my beard and bald head are enough to exemplify my masculinity, so I'm really focusing on expanding my wardrobe to fully incorporate feminine attire. I especially love skirts and dresses.

But it's so. Damn. EXPENSIVE!

I can fit into a few things that my amazing, supportive partner lets me borrow, but I can't just be the younger sister, forever relying on hand-me-downs.

Does anybody have advice for how to get a good start on my wardrobe that won't break the bank? I'm average AMAB size, but with a barrel chest and a slim waist. Women's L & XL usually fit me.

Edit: Looking back, this request for advice was a flimsy premise for an introduction post. I mostly just wanted to join this community, and I didn't want to do so silently.

Wall of text incoming. TL;DR - Love (and cannabis) can change the world

This isn't something I'm proud of, but it's important not to deny who we were, lest we lose sight of who we are.

I very recently had an awakening that started with self-reflection and has continued into what some might call spiritual enlightenment.

Go back a decade or so ago, and you'd see a version of me much closer to who I am today. Somewhere during that decade, I got heavily into conspiracy theories. This put me into a very negative space, as it caused me to see everything with a suspicious eye, always looking for deeper, hidden meaning and not just accepting the chaotic nature of reality.

Despite this, I found love. I became a husband and a father.

Then COVID hit and all my hair-brained theories and predictions started to come true, as far as I saw it.

The Internet started to shun people like me, putting us in the same group as bigots and far-right extremists. More proof I was always right. I was effectively forced out of Reddit and into far-right forums, as they were the only places not censoring the conspiracy theory content I wanted.

This pushed me into a much, much more negative space, as now I had my conspiracy theory discussions in the context of forums filled with bigots.

I spent nearly every waking minute in those forums, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos.

Even though I still considered myself liberal-minded, and even though every person in my life was a positive, progressive influence, I started to agree with those bigots in the forums. By the end of COVID lockdowns, I was a fully-fledged transphobe, believing that the wonderful societal progress we've seen these past few years was actually a conspiracy to weaken humanity in preparation for The Great Reset.

I couldn't discuss my theories with the people in my life for fear they'd reject me. I began to alienate family and friends, removing the last few positive influences in my life, which only pushed me deeper into my delusions.

It took the indiscriminate love of strangers (and, admittedly, a lot of cannabis) to put me into the right state of mind to finally turn my overanalytical, cynical eye inward, and I didn't like what I saw.

I went all-in on my first-ever Tarot reading, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos within, and I came out the other side a new man.

It took the unconditional love of a lifelong friend who'd recently come out as trans (and, again, a lot of cannabis) to bring me back into that receptive state of mind, and during a deep conversation with them, everything fell into place. I came out of that conversation a new nonbinary individual.

Now I look back to the person I was, and I barely recognize him. He was filled with hate, though he thought it was love. His mind was closed, though he thought it was open.

He was the worst version of me.

I can't deny who I used to be. I can only learn from my mistakes and surround myself with the love of family, friends, even coworkers and strangers on the internet.

I've recently begun going through a bit of a personal renaissance regarding my gender, and I realized my numbers-focused brain needs something to quantify gender identity, both for myself and so I can better understand others. I also just don't like socially-constructed labels, at least for myself.

So, using the Kinsey Scale of Sexuality as inspiration, and with input from good friends, I made up my own Gender Identity Scale.

• Three axes: X, Y, and Z
• X: Man (not necessarily masculinity), 0 to 6
• Y: Woman (not necessarily femininity), 0 to 6
• Z: Fluidity, 0 to 2
• X and Y axes' numbers go from 0 - not part of my identity to 6 - strongly identify as
• Z axis's numbers go from 0 - non-fluid to 2 - always changing

Example: The average cis-man is 6,0,0, the average cis-woman is 0,6,0, and a "balanced" nonbinary person might be 3,3,1, or 0,0,0, or 6,6,2..

Personally, I think I'm about a 3,2,1 - I don't have a strong connection to either base gender, but being biologically male, I do identify a bit more as a man. I also feel that I'm somewhat gender-fluid, but not entirely so. I honestly don't fully understand gender fluidity yet, so the Z-axis may require some tweaking.

Does this make sense? Can you use this to accurately quantify your own gender identity? I wanna know!

I got Diablo IV last week and played a lot over the weekend. After 40+ hours (thank you, four day weekend), I realized I wasn't enjoying myself, and was just trying desperately to justify the money spent.

I intentionality avoided news about it, hoping to enjoy finding things out for myself. I now very much regret my willful ignorance. I definitely would've passed on the game if I'd known beforehand that it was effectively an MMO. Forced multiplayer, an open world with too many activities, content balanced for groups of players, endless side quests, and cookie-cutter dungeons. But hey, it has horses! And dodging!

My disappointment is immeasurable and my week is ruined.

On the bright side, it reminded me how much I love Diablo 3. I've been playing that the last couple days to get the bad taste out of my mouth.