this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2024
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Is there a reason you were called a dick? You kind of skimmed over that.
Here’s some go tos:
I wasn't directly called a dick, but I get told I "clearly" mean something I didn't mean a lot. Like once I was complaining that my siblings (all late 20s to early 30s) didn't work and expected my mom to pay for everything, and a friend came in with "I know you're just mad at me for being unemployed" when I wasn't talking to or about him. Another time, I was venting (with permission) and said I was scared I was a bad person, and this friend took it to mean he was a bad judge of character, and even after I apologized he kept talking about what a bad judge of character he is.
I thought it was just this friend projecting his insecurities, but recently I was arguing with another friend and I apologized and said it was my fault for not explaining myself clearly, and he took it to mean I thought he was too stupid to have serious conversations with. He said I look down on him for being disabled and stopped talking to me.
My sister has also gotten mad at me without warning during casual conversations and I have to pry an explanation out of her and it's always "your tone of voice made it sound like you were picking a fight".
Also multiple instances where I was repeatedly told my apologies weren't genuine and I was lying.
So no one's straight up called me a dick, but I think a person who says or thinks the things I'm communicating would be a dick. Whether I mean to be or not, the person I'm presenting to the world is a dick. I make people feel awful about themselves, and I want to not do that.
Anyway, thanks for the tips. I try to do all those, but now that I think about it, I'm probably bad at the last one. I've definitely been yelled at for not shutting up before.
Going to come back to this to reflect in more detail to your original post and to this comment, but wanted to quickly float the idea that perhaps these people view you as particularly sound, so when they lay things on you or are just more emotional or intense in front of you, and you seem unphased - neither rushing to condemn them nor scrambling to reassure - they interpret that as disapproval from someone whom they find sound. And that because they value your judgement & integrity, they get sheepish and awkward in the absence of a strong outward reaction, which in turn you interpret as them thinking ill of you.
Only suggesting this because have seen quite a bit of this between people, and experienced mild versions of both ends of that dynamic.
Not that it helps, if it even resonates, or provides guidance.
I don't think that's quite right. I'm a basketcase and they know it. They're always pretty rightfully annoyed with me for catastrophizing. I also used to try too hard to reassure them— eg, someone would say he feels like a bad person and I'd remind him of the good things he's done— and they had to explain to me that that's a dick move.